literature

Comments for Auditions - Set 3

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Comments, listed alphabetically by entrant. Since this was the audition phases, comments are in an abbreviated format.

Doctor Amelia by LastProtocol
Did well
AriadneArca: I really love the gung-ho craziness implied in the Doctor's character, in particular her out-of-the-blue excitement at the possibility of a knighthood. Also, as an aside, I found the mention of Ink's failures fitting. Someone like her can't be able to persuade or trick people to her cause all the time...
GrimNecropolis: I can see a lot of fun entries centered around this character and her unconventional style.
Khan: Amelia seems to have a 'leap before you look' mentality, which could be used in many ways for humor, tension, and drama.
RobinRone: Doctor Amelia has a fun B-film kind of feel, where SCIENCE!!! can make anything possible, and it is perfectly reasonable for a Giant Shark to eat an airplane out of the sky. Amelia comes across as a character without limits, and it could be interesting to see her run into the bounds of what physics and the laws of nature can do in worlds that may not be driven by them.
TheBuggiest: There was creativity involved here, and Amelia seems like she could be entertaining.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Watch that the craziness, especially in Amelia's dialogue, doesn't run away with itself. An editor would also help with the spelling and grammar.
GrimNecropolis: Dialogue seemed choppy, without many natural pauses, and there were some mechanical errors.
Khan: The frenetic pace lost me sometimes, and I felt that Lady Ink was a little too flustered. There were also some spelling errors which could be addressed by an editor.
RobinRone: Lady Ink seemed out of character in her behavior, and often material was over-explained. Make sure to give extra attention to any OCs you may face, and trust your readers enough to show them people and events in action, rather than explaining them.
TheBuggiest: Amelia seems a bit flat. Her interactions with Lady Ink left the latter sounding wrong footed and didn't convince me.

Gear Steward by Le-Gris-Harlequin
Did well
AriadneArca: I liked the hints of the larger world that were displayed in this entry.
Khan: There were a lot of haunting images and neat concepts in this entry.
RobinRone: Gear comes from an interesting world that I'd love to learn more about.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Aside from humans being able to instinctively recognise their own reflection (something that separates us from animals), I find it weird that Gear has never seen any sort of reflection before... there are no areas of still water (like puddles) or metals in his world? The art could also have been a little cleaner, but the narration did ease comprehension.
Khan: This entry seemed pretty fragmented, and it needed a little more of a central conceit to drive it. Keep in mind that a story should always have a goal that it is moving toward... even if the reader doesn't know what it is. This will keep the story more focused. Also, I was never clear on what the Tower actually did... it seemed to keep the weather at bay, but that is just speculation. A little more detail would help clarify your story.
RobinRone: I found this entry very confusing! You can improve this by using more descriptions, especially of actions. For example when he's fixing the tower, the problem is set up and then resolved with the word "Done." Sometimes a short-cut like this can work well if you're trying to express how quickly something happens, but it doesn't show us anything about how your character approaches problems. Does he analyze the situation, and take a quick and calculated action to solve the problem? Is he reactive, leaping in without thinking and acting on instinct? Is he lucky? Afraid? Brash? If Gear's approach to situations had been given more detail, the reader would have a better chance to get to know him and understand him.

Ochre by LeXy66
Did well
AriadneArca: I like the fact that Ochre's character shrugs off the normal "shy mute" stereotypes.
Khan: You did a good job of translating Ochre's emotions and evoking her feelings through description.
RobinRone: Creating a mute character is an interesting challenge, and I thought the creator did a good job of allowing Ochre to "speak" with gestures and descriptions.
TheBuggiest: The pacing wasn't bad, and the fairy-tale feel to the characters was nice.
Needs work
AriadneArca: The clear connection with Hans Christian Andersen's famous fairy tale could have been interesting if the writer showed an intent to do something with it, but as it is it just feels meaningless and unoriginal. I'm also entirely unconvinced by Ochre's entrance into the Book, given that Mudd gives her very little information and implies that Pyrus will be found within only after Ochre leaps into the portal.
Khan: Ochre's backstory is somewhat derivative. Be sure to define Ochre so that she becomes more of her own character... this will prevent comparisons with other works.
RobinRone: The story was written in a reiterative manner, with the same information repeated in one paragraph after another. There were also aspects of it that didn't make sense to me. If my house had been burned down, my loved one was missing, and a stranger told me to come with him on an adventure, I would NOT agree to go off into the unknown with him. I would make sure that the person I loved was safe, and then find the person who had destroyed my home and make them pay for their misdeeds.
TheBuggiest: It wasn't incredibly original (think I've heard the mermaid-turns-into-a-human-at-the-cost-of-her-voice schtick before somewhere...), Ochre's weird emotional swings and Mudd's absolutely un-empathetic characterization didn't convince me, and the awkward phrasing threw me off.

John Puto by Logan-Spartan125
Did well
Khan: What a creative character design.
RobinRone: The concept of a manikin made by Death is certainly creative, as was the selected shape for a Construct.
Needs work
Khan: This entry could use a cleanup. At times, I found it difficult to read. I recommend you type out your entries to make the story more appealing to the eye.
RobinRone: There are some inconsistencies in character that I find very strange, such as John's LOLspeak responses to things. What type of environment has he been in, to become familiar enough with those terms to use them? Does Death spend a lot of time on the Internet? Does the multiverse have so few problems that John has a lot of spare time to just hang out? The abilities and concepts did not seem to match with the behaviors of the character.

Helena Dusk by Lucidifer
Did well
AriadneArca: Helena's history, and the impact this has had on her psychology, has obviously been carefully crafted.
GrimNecropolis: A stunningly written glimpse into the character's mind and a story full of magnetic darkness.
Khan: What a tragic tale. I think this tale has a lot of potential within the setting of the Book.
RobinRone: The style makes me feel as though we've stepped into a novel born of Helena's own time. Her decent into madness and despair is potent.
TheBuggiest: Having the character pulled into the Book early was an interesting choice, and creativity was certainly present here.
Needs work
AriadneArca: While the writer shows skill, the narration is too abstracted from the action. OCT entries occur in a far briefer timespan than this audition covers. I just have nothing here to convince me that the author would pull off a story written in a more immediate setting. We didn't need to know details of how Helena progressed through each subsequent year of school education - this information could have been neatly summarised in the character sheet, leaving the writer with space to prove his skills in creating immediate scenes.
GrimNecropolis: The entry is more exposition than anything--I don't know how well this will fit into the narrative structure of a single round.
Khan: Helena's father doesn't seem to merely misunderstand his daughter... he seems purposefully cruel. Without any context for why he acts they way he does, I find his maliciousness to be a little unbelievable. Not appreciating art is one thing... sending away her only source of joy in the form of her pet is another altogether.
RobinRone: There are moments of inexplicable knowledge and cruelty in this story which disrupt its believability. If The Book of Stories is common knowledge, to the point that a nameless shop keeper knows of it, wouldn't that fundamentally change the nature of this world? The father also comes across as needlessly cruel, particularly in his removal of her canine companion. Although his perspective is explained to the reader, it seems contradictory to the implied revelation of the earlier segment when Helena first ran away. Either portion of the story would have worked on its own, but together they undermine each other.
TheBuggiest: I have a hard time enjoying stories where horrible thing after horrible thing happens to someone without something light in there to alleviate it. The style here was very dry, almost text-book-ish and more tell than show. And the audition doesn't need to be a complete retelling of your character's backstory and history.

Regis, King of Heroes. by Madican
Did well
AriadneArca: Nice concept, and the psychology of a God-killer could be interesting to read if handled right.
GrimNecropolis: Intriguingly meta spin on the fantasy genre/hero archetype. The narrative style in the audition reflects Regis's state of mind well.
Khan: A succinct audition with good imagery.
RobinRone: Good characterization and several moments with a wonderfully epic feel!
TheBuggiest: The character and concept caught my interest; it will be interesting to see where Madican takes this character's story.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Flippant tone of the first part of the entry was very jarring. Also, I'm not... entirely convinced that I have a handle on the type of person Regis is; the writer's presented his backstory and motivations, but I'm finding it difficult to see the personality that those motivations have formed - probably an issue, again, with the fluctuating tone of the audition. However, it's early days yet...
GrimNecropolis: I didn't feel like I got a great sense of the characters from the dialog--either it didn't sound consistent (Regis) or it didn't show much personality (Ink).
Khan: While I understand the idea of the repetition in the character sheet portion, it quickly became tedious to slog through. I don't see this becoming an issue in future rounds, however.
RobinRone: The inconsistent Voice jars me out of the story, and the pop culture references clash with the epic fantasy feeling of the character.
TheBuggiest: The 'autobiography' portion of the character sheet threw me off until I realized WHY it seemed so repetitive (though this was as much me being thick as it was the character sheet being confusing). There were also some inconsistencies in the feel of the character from the beginning to the feel in the end.

Clarissa Faye by make-shift-wings
Did well
AriadneArca: The world is established through intriguing small touches, such as the busy marketplace, the merchant and his pistol, the airship dropping propaganda and the police attempting to destroy the evidence.
GrimNecropolis: Smooth, enjoyable writing.
Khan: Clarissa has an interesting backstory and I would love to know more about her world.
RobinRone: We get a fair amount of information about Clarissa's world in a very short amount of time, quickly establishing her environment with very efficient strokes.
TheBuggiest: Clarissa sounds fairly interesting from the info we were given in the profile, and the writing quality wasn't bad.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Everything was far too dense - I felt rushed from one incident to another without time to look around. One moment she's stealing food, the next she's in flight and somehow managed to get onto a rooftop... Clarissa's relationship with Alexander, and the uncomfortable silence, seemed interesting, but then BAM! excitement in the street, the papers are flying, BAM! Clarissa is in another world... The entry just lacked in space for the reader to breathe.
GrimNecropolis: No characters stand out, and the dialogue/pacing is awkward and abrupt.
Khan: You have a lot of good ideas in this entry, but they need to be expanded. Very few moments were given the space or detail they needed to truly grip me. Often, I was confused about the technological level of the world Clarissa comes from. She lives in a fallout shelter, which implies nuclear technology, but then sees an airship over a street market. Is this fallout shelter for use against regular bombs?
RobinRone: I wished that Clarissa's interaction with Alex had lasted longer to give us more information on who Clarissa is and how she works. You set up an excellent opportunity to bring out elements of her personality and past with this meeting, but didn't linger there long enough to use it effectively. Hopefully responses to other OCs in the future will give you more opportunity to give us a peak into Clarissa's character.
TheBuggiest: We were given too little detail about Clarissa and her world, there was very little characterization, and the ship flying overhead dropping 'propaganda'... maybe I'd understand if I was given more information about Clarissa's world.

Kyle Black by megaphoenix3000
Did well
GrimNecropolis: An interesting, quirky take on the setting/audition prompt.
Khan: I like Kyle's backstory, and it's clear you've thought about how it might be incorporated later in the tournament. This kind of planning will serve you well.
RobinRone: Words are used with efficient precision in this entry, quickly setting the tone and laying out events without any wasted language.
TheBuggiest: Kyle is a more-or-less normal human without a lot of special powers, which may help to make him more relate-able. It can also make for fun responses to the supernatural goings-on.
Needs work
AriadneArca: The audition shows next to no evidence of Kyle's character. He felt entirely interchangeable in it - anyone could have been written in his place. Next time, give us a little more!
GrimNecropolis: Disproportionate pacing and very little indication of the character's personality in the writing.
Khan: While Kyle's has a backstory, but I would have liked to have seen him interact with other characters. So much of a character is wrapped up in the way he socializes. In short, while his character sheet tells me how he plays with others, it would suit the story much better if I were shown.
RobinRone: Unfortunately, this efficiency is achieved at the expense of giving Kyle an opportunity to interact with other characters or situations that might bring his personality out. As a result, I don't have any feel for the kind of person he is in action (rather than the rough description provided in the character sheet) which makes it difficult for me to relate to him.
TheBuggiest: Kyle's response to the words disappearing from his books then getting sucked into The Book was bland and not all that convincing. There was no character interaction in the entry at all.

Paige by xTacitusx
Did well
AriadneArca: Easy to follow panelling, nice art, and I enjoyed the dialogue between Mudd and Lady Ink.
GrimNecropolis: I got a good sense of all of the characters, and the artwork was top notch.
Khan: Paige is a well written character an your art style suits her perfectly. The dialogue is snappy and the pacing is very good. All of this added up to one exciting entry.
RobinRone: I'm intrigued by several things in this entry. One is the fact that Paige is so dedicated to a black-and-white world view, but her actions land her pretty firmly in the grey. Manipulation is hardly a straight-forward or "noble" way of battle, regardless of the purity of the motive behind it. The other is that she has a very unique motivator to propel her forward, and I'm interested to see what she will do to write her own ending.
TheBuggiest: Loved seeing a comic entry. The drawings were fun to look at, the dialog wasn't too much, and I liked the interaction between Lady Ink and Mudd.
Needs work
AriadneArca: For all that Mudd and Lady Ink were characterised nicely, we don't see much of Paige herself. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. Also felt that Mudd could have made fun of Paige's story instead of just praising it - it sounds a little self-congratulatory as it stands, but this is only a small problem.
GrimNecropolis: Paige's personality lacks a human element--hard to relate to/sympathize with. Avoid turning her into Superwoman.
Khan: I would have liked a little more time learning about Paige's world, but not enough to sacrifice the pacing you had. Also, her coat seems a little... obvious? Stylish and bulletproof? It strikes me as a little wish-fulfilling, but again, not enough to detract from an otherwise great entry.
RobinRone: We're told a lot about Paige, but we aren't shown much at all. We have several characters describing her to each other (and thus, to the audience) but we don't have a lot of opportunity to observe Paige demonstrating the behaviors we're told about. There is also more text used than is necessary to convey points. For example, in page 3, Mudd's response to Lady Ink of: "I don't know what I'd do. But, Paige is a strong woman. Even if this whole thing turns out to be another bad dream for her, I'm sure she'll make it through...She wouldn't let something like this ever slow her down. That's just how she is..." could have been shortened to something as brief as: "I don't know, but Paigie won't let anything slow her down."
TheBuggiest: I didn't see a lot of direct characterization of Paige in the audition; mainly it was Mudd and the Benefactor talking about her or the explanation we got from her character sheet. And again I don't know how or why Mudd had the book. I thought the book was wandering the worlds all on its lonesome.

Marcus by mpark6288
Did well
AriadneArca: The whole cult thing was a great idea, very fitting in the setting while also neatly connecting to the Book. A highly enjoyable read, and Marcus is an interesting character, from what you've shown of him.
GrimNecropolis: The quirky, sarcastic narrative does justice to the characters' personalities, and the world-building behind it is excellent.
Khan: A solid story with a few funny moments, this entry was very well crafted and exciting.
RobinRone: Marcus has a rich world and a personality that comes across clearly through his actions and words.
TheBuggiest: I really like Marcus's Roman Empire influenced steampunk world, and Marcus's heroics/snarking are fun to read about, especially from his point of view.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Couple of minor spelling/grammar mistakes that a beta could easily catch.
GrimNecropolis: Show, don't tell (for the character's history in particular).
Khan: Sometimes your language can be a bit... dense. Occasionally I had to reread a sentence in order to grasp its meaning. While your prose is quite good, don't lose your audience by making your work impenetrable.
RobinRone: Marcus holds himself at a distance, and I have yet to engage fully with this character. He is entertaining, but I have not yet found what makes him tick.
TheBuggiest: Marcus does a LOT of explaining near the beginning about how his weapons work. I'm sure that these could be cut back a little or distributed throughout the entry to make the story easier to follow.

Jaya Ferox by Oreramar
Did well
AriadneArca: Very expressive prose, and the visual elements added nice, subtle touches.
GrimNecropolis: Smooth, engaging writing style.
Khan: This was a wonderfully rich entry, and the writing quickly enveloped me in the images and feel of the story.
RobinRone: Right out of the chute, there is a feeling of a game-plan here. This dramatic entry introduces us to a unique presentation of the Book and its manifestations.
TheBuggiest: I love the thought that's been put into Jaya's character (which is surprisingly cohesive), her world, and the journey she's taken into the book. The artwork was great to look at and really enhanced the story, and the quality of writing was good.
Needs work
AriadneArca: When you need to read the artist's comments to make sense of things, something's not right. Also, very little evidence of Jaya's personality was provided.
GrimNecropolis: Lack of dialogue offers very little personality from any of the characters.
Khan: For all the wonderful prose in this entry, I never got a sense of who Jaya is. She never once interacted with another character beyond blind fear, and I don't have a sense of what she will do or how she will react to other characters.
RobinRone: Jaya was thrown right into the action, with little opportunity to interact with other characters, so I didn't get much of an impression about the kind of person she is.
TheBuggiest: Jaya's journey into the book was a little confusing (though reading the comments helped it make sense). I would have liked to see some character interaction here, and some of the descriptions at the beginning didn't seem strictly necessary.

Knives by pandyras-paradox
Did well
AriadneArca: I really liked what I read - Knives' personality came along strongly, and Ink was well characterised.
GrimNecropolis: The writing is smart and concise and the character has a fun personality.
Khan: I like Knives' concept and the screenplay I read had fairly solid writing.
RobinRone: There is a definite sense of character in how Knives responds to situations and people in the introduction story.
TheBuggiest: The characters caught my attention and the dialog was well written.
Needs work
AriadneArca: The script, while very promising, is still essentially an unfinished piece of work. If the creator finds herself falling back on a failsafe again because her comic pages haven't materialised, she should at least make some attempt to turn it into a proper story rather than a script.
GrimNecropolis: The supporting characters' personalities blend together--not distinct.
Khan: I've noticed that this was originally supposed to be a comic entry, but it was only a screenplay when I read it. It's fine if writing is going to be your medium, but if it is, you will need to expand your entry to make up for the content you lose by not having images. For example, who is this Kytrynn person? What does she look like? I understand that Knives has not been able to get a straight answer from Kytrynn yet, but it might help if the reader knew a bit more. Also, Knives' construct 'Help' seems to be more like one of Mudd's functions... is this correct?
RobinRone: Knives came across in the reference as a jumbled character. She has a grab-bag of faults, but none of them hinder her that much, and a wide variety of skills and experiences. Kytrynn's nature and role could have used further explanation, considering that Kytrynn has been the only constant in Knives' life for the past seven years.
TheBuggiest: This wasn't finished. I'm a little worried about whether you'll be able to finish later rounds; this gave me very little to work with, judging-wise.

Elina Falger, (Button, Shorty) by PikachuGirl11
Did well
AriadneArca: Buttonkinesis! Haha, quirky and awesome, as was the entry itself.
Khan: An interesting character design with a built in mystery and quirky powers.
RobinRone: I liked the seemingly under-powered ability Elina has with an otherwise mundane object. I'm sure that such a quirky power could lead to a lot of fun and creative applications!
Needs work
AriadneArca: Watch your use of exclamation marks within the narration. Use them responsibly, if at all! (Oh, dear, they're infectious.) Also, the parents' death thing seems a little... ummm... disconcertingly dark within a story with such a lighthearted tone in other respects.
Khan: Often times, it seems like this entry will raise a question, just to laugh it of. How did she get here? Not important. What's up with her powers? You don't need to know that. These are all moments that could have been used to characterize Elina. If you've decided that a point is not important enough to share with the reader, don't bring it up in the first place.
RobinRone: This entry had a LOT of tell, but very little show. For example, we are told that she is curious, but other than the fact that she is in this run-down library, we don't see that in action. What kind of curious is she? Is her attention caught by many things, in a thirst to know everything? Is she more interested in things that seem forbidden, constantly wishing to open up Pandora's box? Is she a focused kind of curious that will toss things about until a discovery is made? Even a brief scene with her going through the shelves of books could have told us volumes about her personality, instead of narration explaining to us who she is.

Angie, Crowbar, Raphael, and Leah by PumpkinApprentice431
Did well
Khan: An intriguing thriller of an entry with an ensemble cast. A lot of exiting tension in this entry.
RobinRone: There is tons of creativity in the character designs and world technology.
Needs work
AriadneArca: It might be the busy-ness of the story, with four main characters; it might be the unsatisfactory introduction of the inexplicably evil pharmaceutical company; it might be the length... but this just didn't quite work for me. I found the 'gossiping' about the mermaids between Angie and Raphael to be particularly out-of-place.
Khan: Why is Future Pharmaceuticals so evil? Characters are not the only things that need characterization, and I find the idea of a pointlessly evil big bad business to be a bit derivative.
RobinRone: Despite the creative character design, the portrayal of each individual came across as a bit flat. The dialog in particular all sounded fairly generic, and hindered, rather than helped, the characterization.

Qwerty Finklewater by ratscout
Did well
AriadneArca: Fun character concept, and creates a strong sense of Qwerty's personality from the start.
GrimNecropolis: The concept is creative, and the character has an interestingly sociopathic way of dealing with emotions.
Khan: Wow. A murderous psychotic kid from Whoville... what a unique and intriguing character.
RobinRone: Short, sweet, and manages to build some good tension in a very short period of time.
TheBuggiest: I liked the character concept and that he's not a good person (and not just a generic sadist either). Besides, he kills people with their own clothing; that's got to count for something.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Writing style is unbalanced; too much emphasis on Querty's thoughts being explicitly stated, and not enough description, especially as far as physical actions and movement are concerned (characters appear in rooms without being described as entering them, etc.).
GrimNecropolis: Neither the narration nor Qwerty's dialogue seem to take into account that he's 12, and he doesn't stray too far from the old innocent-turned-murderer-by-abuse box. There isn't much in the writing that makes the character seem all that special.
Khan: I felt the pacing of the audition was a little odd, and the whole thing felt rushed. I'm very curious to see what happens when this character is given time and space to breathe... and other characters to play off of.
RobinRone: I know Qwerty is a serial killer, but he's also a child. I would be interested to see that dynamic played with more, because at this time he mostly seems like an adult mind in a small body.
TheBuggiest: ratscout needs to better grasp the concept of 'show, don't tell'.

Mirasis Xathra by Raxion
Did well
AriadneArca: The illustrations were bright and attractive, the characters clearly defined in their dialogue, and the whole "index" thing made me laugh.
GrimNecropolis: A very funny lighthearted tone.
Khan: The art style is sharp and crisp, and each character has unique and identifiable dialogue.
RobinRone: Mirasis is a clear-cut character with a personality that will make her easy to write for.
TheBuggiest: Mirasis is a simple yet well defined personality that is fairly well portrayed in the audition. The artwork was very nice. The idea of the Void is interesting and ties in well with what's happening with the Book.
Needs work
AriadneArca: The audition focuses on Omni rather than Mirasis - though I like what I've seen of the chosen character.
GrimNecropolis: While I could get a sense of some of the other characters, I feel like I didn't see enough of Mirasis.
Khan: While I learned a lot about Mirasis from the character sheet, the entry itself focused much more on Omni. Let Mirasis shine through more in the entry itself.
RobinRone: The audition hardly gave me time to get to know Mirasis, and while I think there is potential for depth, the character comes across as very one note.
TheBuggiest: The last written bit threw me for a loop (partially because I can't focus in here), though I do see that it's a call back to a previous OCT you've participated in, at least as far as a cameo for Omni. Still it could have been better tied into the story, especially if you told us when this occurred.

Morjen by Red-banner
Did well
AriadneArca: Very, very nice description.
GrimNecropolis: The feeling of childlike whimsy and simplicity was well-communicated in the writing and fitting for the character.
Khan: The description in this piece is nice, and I can really visualize the locations.
RobinRone: The character has an interesting past and a likable personality.
TheBuggiest: I got a sense of who Morjen was from her reflections in the audition, and she seems fairly well balanced as far as strengths and weaknesses go. Interesting use of the construct.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Despite the pretty prose, I didn't feel that there was much "meat" to this entry. In particular, characterisation and character interaction were not given the time they deserved - and these are two of the most important aspects of OCT work.
GrimNecropolis: The narrative felt rushed and poorly paced, and the writer needs to tell less and show more.
Khan: I wish more of Morjen's personality came across. We are told in the character description that she is a royal refugee, though the only point this was mentioned in the story was a brief line of her being tired of giving speeches. How was she affected by the loss of her kingdom? Who is this Jorai?
RobinRone: The entry tells us everything, but shows us very little, and at the end I didn't feel connected to Morjen as a character.
TheBuggiest: There were some 'show don't tell' problems here, and while I understand that writing, say, a conversation that lasts all night long is improbable, adding some of the character interaction is necessary for development and getting the reader involved. I also wasn't quite sure what was happening when she encountered Lady Ink; vagueness can work for an entry to build a sense of mystery or suspense, but here it just confused me. And then there was the fact that she's 14 yet filling such a big role in her village. Since it's a figurehead position I can see it working, but it wasn't explained.

The Guard by Robot-Geisha
Did well
AriadneArca: I love the idea, and the Guard's excitement at the new world she is discovering.
GrimNecropolis: Wonderfully poetic and thoughtful writing, an intriguing character concept, and a stellar portrayal of Mudd.
Khan: This was a well written entry that managed to be entertaining throughout. Your descriptions, especially of the Guard's new thoughts, are pretty solid.
RobinRone: What an intriguing concept! I'm very excited to see The Guard evolve as she is exposed to more situations that her now-thinking mind can respond to.
TheBuggiest: The idea of the Guard is intriguing (reminds me of how the Archetypes might be), and a journey during which she further explores her new ability to think could be interesting. The first half of this especially was well written.
Needs work
AriadneArca: I was a bit thrown off at the end because we're getting nice, fluid, interesting prose and then Mudd arrives with (in my head) the campest of all camp English accents. I think it was due to the vocabulary used as well as all those exclamation marks and italics. If you meant him to speak that way, then you achieved it, but if you didn't - and the Guard's dialogue and final thoughts exhibited enough similarities, despite her being so new, for me to wonder - then you'd better keep an eye on it.
GrimNecropolis: The Guard's character is not developed enough to relate to/root for, although I can already see hints of personality.
Khan: Obviously, we don't know Guard too well yet. I'm not sure that I buy someone so new to thought being able to banter with Mudd so easily, but I'm curious to see where this goes.
RobinRone: The writing is often reiterative. Repeating a concept once or twice is fine, but if you find yourself writing many paragraphs to convey the same thought, it may be best to move on. While this repetition worked for the first segment (making us experience the nature of her world) the trend continued even when things began to change. Improve the economy of language!
TheBuggiest: Mudd seemed a bit too flamboyant, and the Guard's dialog didn't really convey 'person who's only just started to think' to me.

Daniel by Rosemarri
Did well
AriadneArca: Good flow and skilled use of description.
GrimNecropolis: The pace of the narrative was smooth and comfortable, and the way the writer communicated the expository information didn't feel overloaded or unnecessary.
Khan: It looks like you have a good handle on your character's background, which will help in this story driven OCT.
RobinRone: Daniel has a solid motivation to propel him towards his goal, and the author shows potential for subtle characterization.
TheBuggiest: There was a good amount of description in the audition, and I got a good idea of who Daniel is through his portrayal.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Daniel is a bit on the powerful side at the moment - better watch that in future. It also seemed strange for Daniel to overcome his suspicions so quickly, especially given the apparent sorcery.
GrimNecropolis: As a character, Daniel was simple and one-dimensional--I didn't get a sense of the complexities in his personality or his motivations.
Khan: While I know where Daniel comes from, I don't feel I know him. Bring more of him across in future entries.
RobinRone: The audition gave me a good idea of his abilities, but I still don't know much about Daniel's character. I look forward to seeing his personality brought out more!
TheBuggiest: Daniel isn't entirely balanced as far as positive and negative traits go. The execution within entries might help this a bit though. Also, given Daniel's nature and training (especially his distrust of sorcery), I thought perhaps he'd be more suspicious of Lady Ink. And of course there's the fact that the audition was in the comments; someone should tell Rosemarri how to put written entries into a format dA accepts.

Fi by Safeer-4
Did well
Khan: It's obvious you've done a lot of thinking on both Fi and the world she comes from.
RobinRone: Fi is a fairly well-constructed character with interesting traits that would be great to work with.
TheBuggiest: Some of the artwork was pretty good.
Needs work
Khan: I'd liked to have seen more of this detail in the entry itself. Despite taking up nearly a quarter of the whole entry, Lady Ink is never detailed beyond her giving Fi a literal push into the plot. I'd also have loved to see how Fi's world actually looks and feels, what kind of culture they have and how Fi is a part of it.
RobinRone: What was shown of Fi through her actions didn't seem to match well with the personality described in the reference sheet. Lady Ink also seemed to be acting quite out of character. Make sure you make all OCs shine in your entries, and not just your own.
TheBuggiest: There were contradictions in the description of Fi's character in her audition, especially saying she wasn't cruel yet would 'brutally hurt' someone for no other reason than she 'found them pathetic.' Lady Ink's characterization in the comic as someone who's just pushing person after person through portals into the Book doesn't fit with what we've heard about her so far, and I thought the page said Mudd was going to recruit Fi. (And as a sidenote, I don't see how Fi feeling other people's pain can really be counted as an ability, unless I misunderstood that note in the profile.)

Sian by SaffyLailo
Did well
AriadneArca: Character interaction is natural, and both Sian and the world seem extremely well-developed. Good balance of humour and seriousness, and it will be fascinating to see how the fairytale-battle-hardened Sian deals with being within the Book.
GrimNecropolis: The audition does a great job of exposing Sian's complexities, neuroses, and idiosyncrasies, and the writer's handling of a whole cast of characters is masterful.
Khan: The character comes from a rich and immersive world that has many parallels to the TBOS setting itself. I'm curious to see what prejudices and perspectives Sian has on the archetypes.
RobinRone: Sian is a complex character with a developed history and personality, from an interesting world.
TheBuggiest: Good characterization, smooth storytelling, and Saffy is already showing an ability to juggle multiple characters without sacrificing characterization.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Unnecessarily long. It was never a struggle to read, but it definitely meandered. Aside from that, just a general warning to watch the punctuation, especially speech marks, which are often missing or misplaced.
GrimNecropolis: While there is some foreshadowing, the Book seems like an afterthought tacked onto an already self-sufficient story.
Khan: Trust your audience. We don't need to be told that Gwyd is a glory hound 3 times in a row. Instead of repeatedly telling us, show us through his actions.
RobinRone: Economy of language. There are many scenes in here that were unnecessary. They either repeated information, or told us nothing new about any of the characters. If you cannot figure out how to make your scenes convey a plot point AND give us character development, either cut it entirely or find another way to develop that point.
TheBuggiest: The only complaint I have right now is how long the audition was, and that's more because of my own convenience than anything else.

Shima and Rena by SakuraSwan
Did well
AriadneArca: The two characters are very different and I like the contrast between them.
Khan: I immediately got a sense that Shima and Rena care for each other, and it is impressive that you could establish that so quickly.
RobinRone: Shima and Rena are simple characters in a good way. They're not over-powered, have distinct personalities which are demonstrated in their dialog, and a clear bond between them.
TheBuggiest: Shima and Rena have enough contrast between themselves to provide a dynamic.
Needs work
AriadneArca: There is hardly any description here and far too much dialogue. Try adding information on the body language and expressions of your characters in future.
Khan: More. This entry needed more time with Shima and Rena to see their relationship, and more characterization for each of them.
RobinRone: The audition isn't particularly creative in its approach, getting us from set-up to result in a very quick and straight-forward way. As a result, it's not a very engaging entry. Don't be afraid to challenge yourself and try out unusual situations for your characters to deal with!
TheBuggiest: Description was lacking, the characters were a bit one-dimensional, and I don't understand why Rena wouldn't accept Lady Ink's offered gift.

LIA by Setsune-Hoshiko
Did well
AriadneArca: This entry is short, but it serves to tell us a lot about the character. I like how she was slightly taken aback by Lady Ink ignoring her question, and her optimistic dreams of freshness and nature.
GrimNecropolis: The writer captures the perspective and thinking of a super-empathetic outsider, which in and of itself is a creative, intriguing character.
Khan: This entry was short and to the point, much like LIA herself. Characters like this have always fascinated me, and your language really brings LIA's otherness to the fore.
RobinRone: I enjoyed this take on the idea of a sentient robot, particularly with the addition of LIA's intended purpose as a therapist. It raises an interesting moral question, and I'm intrigued to see how she will respond to her sudden freedom.
TheBuggiest: LIA seems interesting and could provide an interesting contrast to some of the other characters. I also liked the description of Lady Ink and especially the economy of language.
Needs work
AriadneArca: A little more description of LIA's surroundings might have been nice, and the paragraphing seems off at the point where Ink is first discovered.
GrimNecropolis: LIA's ability to glean the entire premise of the OCT from a single sentence was not totally believable, and the narrative was a little sleepy.
Khan: While I got a sense of LIA and her world without her really interacting with others, I want to see her mix it up with other characters. I'm sure that's in store for her, though I couldn't help but want more of her just speaking with other characters, and interacting with the world to define her limits and potential a little more clearly.
RobinRone: We don't get much opportunity to see LIA interacting with other characters. We also don't see her taking much action, other than to brood to the reader. As a result, I didn't get a clear feel for this character.
TheBuggiest: The entry could have used some more physical descriptions of where LIA and Lady Ink were, what everyone looks like, etc. It was harder to be pulled in without them.

Errant and Damzel by ShadowSchnauzer
Did well
AriadneArca: I absolutely love the concept of a white knight who suffers from a confidence crisis when his damsel isn't around, and the entry was cute and charming in all the right ways. Very impressed with how the artist manages to convey character despite not having dialogue.
GrimNecropolis: The entry was very fun to watch: it had a funny, lighthearted tone and the animation was fantastic. The concept is a creative spin off of the traditional tropes.
Khan: A creative medium really brings this simple story to life.
RobinRone: I'm really impressed at how effectively the character personalities came across, all without a single word. Even Errant's personality shift when he's around Damzel was clear, conveyed by body language and manner. Well done!
TheBuggiest: I really like the characters' origins from inside the book. The characters are likable and come across well even without making conversation, and there was a good use of humor. Bonus points for being ambitious and going for an animation.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Couple of abrupt transitions to black that were a little jarring. Also, I liked the onomatopoeia - thought it added character to the animation - but the execution as it is right now doesn't quite work. Experiments are in order!
GrimNecropolis: Aside from their basic character concepts, neither Errant nor Damzel has a really distinct, interesting personality.
Khan: While I understand that they are stock characters, I hope they will grow into something more as the competition continues. It will be hard work characterizing them without dialogue, if you choose to continue animation with no spoken parts.
RobinRone: The pacing was occasionally a bit jarring, and some of the more complicated concepts that were conveyed in the character descriptions (such as their relation to the Book and the interruption of their personal fairy tale) did not quite make the transition into the introduction story. I got the gist, but if there any more complex ideas to be explored, the creator may have to bust out some extra tools from the toolbox to get the ideas across.
TheBuggiest: The ending might have been a little unclear if we didn't know that the book was sucking the characters into its pages, and some of the onomatopoeia captions near the beginning could have been cut out (like when the guards were marching around and every footstep was accompanied by a large distracting CLANK popping up on the screen).

Antagonist by silverdreamdancer
Did well
AriadneArca: Excellent use of the concept of the OCT. It'll be interesting to watch and see how the Book's collapse impacts on the Antagonist.
GrimNecropolis: The character is incredibly creative and would be a very interesting complication to the tournament.
Khan: What a creative use of the setting. The writing style is crisp and concise.
RobinRone: The concept makes great creative use of the setting. The language is well-used, telling us just what we need to know and making us want more.
TheBuggiest: The idea of Antagonist makes me very, very happy. He fits right in with TBOS (almost literally given his origins), and his motivation/actions are intriguing.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Created to work against the protagonists and yet wants to survive his collapsing world? I'll need to be convinced about this contradiction - it could be great if used in the right way, though. Also, the audition was short and vague, not giving much evidence about the writer's characterisation abilities, either of the Antagonist or of NPCs.
GrimNecropolis: The writing is sometimes choppy and the dialogue feels awkward (it is, however, very distinct). Character doesn't seem to have a distinct personality or much room for development.
Khan: This entry was very short. While it accomplished what was needed without any extra weight bogging it down, I hope these ideas will be expanded to create a larger narrative once Antagonist comes across stronger characters in the form of his opponents. In short, I want more, and I can't wait to see these ideas explored.
RobinRone: I'm a little unclear on exactly what Mr. Ant is capable of, but I'm sure that will be revealed later as we go. Your opponent may need clarification, however, so just be ready for questions. A few minor grammatical mistakes interrupt the flow, but not to the point that it detracts much from the story. One final editing sweep for polish would easily remedy that issue.
TheBuggiest: Despite how much I love the idea of the character, his audition was short and didn't give me a lot to go on. There needs to be some character interaction to drive a story, and the short blurb here didn't show much. The creator also needs to be careful, given how this character attacks not the characters themselves but their construction, that they don't insult their opponents (to a point, obviously; sometimes people are going to get offended regardless).

Kali by BardicKitty
Did well
AriadneArca: Kali is well-characterised, and I liked that while she could overcome the vanishing memory because of her connection to the moon, it wasn't perfect and she had to concentrate to maintain the idea that anything was wrong.
GrimNecropolis: I got a good sense of Kali and Gabriel's personalities in a short time.
Khan: A well written character and good descriptions help make this story fun and engaging.
RobinRone: I thought this interpretation of the impact of the Book's unraveling on a world was particularly interesting, as well as the idea that those who could resist this destruction of character would be the most ideal candidates to fix the story. Definitely some strong storytelling and creativity.
TheBuggiest: I like that Kali's already lost something to the destruction of the stories, and showing a sadder side of Mudd was refreshing. Also, Kali doesn't angst too much despite her past, which is again refreshing.
Needs work
AriadneArca: A little suspicious of Kali's bag of tricks, especially the assertion that she'll have something for everything in there. Just use it responsibly!
GrimNecropolis: Abrupt pacing, and the dialogue felt unnatural outright explained things that could have been shown.
Khan: While I got a decent sense of Kali, I felt that she should have been a little more shocked by the vanishing events and mournful of Gabriel's disappearance. Instead, she was mostly confused, which is fine, but a little understated considering the magnitude of losing Gabriel.
RobinRone: I had some trouble connecting to Kali, almost as though the character was emotionally holding us at a distance. I hope that we'll get a more in-depth look at what makes her tick and who she is in the future.
TheBuggiest: Mudd's overall portrayal didn't give me a sense of his power, and there was some distractingly awkward phrasing in there.

For by skerpandoodles
Did well
AriadneArca: The character design and the alien race are very creative, and the last page of the entry was well executed.
GrimNecropolis: The entry has a great deal of emotional power.
Khan: I loved the unique character design, along with the concept of his whole species. This entry raises some very interesting questions about the nature of communication both within the Book and without.
RobinRone: This is an immensely creative character and entry. For's unique world and biology are well crafted, and a lot of risks are taken in the entry itself to experiment with visuals and push the media.
TheBuggiest: The concept was creative, as was For's communications problem.
Needs work
AriadneArca: The first two pages were very confusing. The Artist's Comments explained it somewhat, but nothing in your Artist's Comments should be essential in order to comprehend your entry.
GrimNecropolis: None of the characters have a distinct or really interesting personality, and so far For isn't that relatable.
Khan: I know this was kind of the point, but I found the first two parts of the entry to be very confusing. Explaining that confusion in the comments did little to mollify me... make sure your readers can grasp the entry within the framework of the entry itself.
RobinRone: That said, some of these experiments work, and others don't. It is fantastic that you are pushing your chosen media, but do not sacrifice your ideas and content for the sake of an effect. For example, if I hadn't read in the character reference that For's family had vanished, I would not have gotten that from the entry itself.
TheBuggiest: The first two pages of the audition made no sense to me even after reading the comments. Also, I don't know if he's communicating with Lady Ink in a way that will carry over into the Book so he can talk with your opponents. I'm assuming so, but...

Damon and Cathal by SkysongMA
Did well
AriadneArca: Altogether a thoroughly enjoyable entry. The highlight for me was Lady Ink's conversation with Cathal, as well as the very first few paragraphs in the entry, and the mention of Ink's snapping hair... I also like the effects of the Book's unravelling on the computer programme.
GrimNecropolis: Every character's personality is made distinct, relatable, and interesting, and the relationship between Damon and Cathal should complicate the story.
Khan: This was a well constructed entry with good characters and very solid prose. I liked the foreshadowing of the computer program failing as a sign that the world, or maybe even the other galaxies, were unmaking themselves.
RobinRone: Damon and Cathal have a well-developed history that gives a lot to draw upon when creating stories.
TheBuggiest: Excellent characterization and flow of writing.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Could do with a little trimming here and there. Parts 1 and 2, for example, should really have been distilled into one part.
GrimNecropolis: The conflict in Damon and Cathal's relationship as a story in and of itself might overshadow other characters and even the OCT.
Khan: While all of the basics were done well, this entry didn't quite grab me. The tension between Cathal and Damon was palpable, but a little too overt... I found it hard to believe that either could misinterpret the other's signals when they were that obvious. It could be argued that both of them were willfully ignoring the signals using selective hearing, but instead it seemed that each character was so wrapped up in themselves that they couldn't understand what the other was saying... which doesn't really sound like love to me.
RobinRone: For me this entry felt both over-played and underwhelming. I found the tension overdone, making the story fairly predictable and less interesting. As a reader, I found myself reading nearly everything as an innuendo by the end of part one, just because the tone was so overtly/coyly romantic for the first half.
TheBuggiest: The first two segments could have been cut short; indeed, if you'd just wanted to characterize the main characters and their relation to each other, one or the other could have been cut out entirely. Also, it's important to make sure that, though Damon and Cathal's relationship may be the central issue in this entry, the proper amount of attention is paid to saving all the worlds as well.

The Etoranje Twins, Yuria and Elisa by soltree and Ikidori
Did well
AriadneArca: The two characters are very different personalities, and complicate each other's lives in fun ways.
GrimNecropolis: Very creative concept, and there's something magnetic about the story's adrenaline and writing.
Khan: These two characters seem fun, and come from a quick-paced and exciting adventure story.
RobinRone: This entry has a definite sense of fun and energy! Yuria and Elisa have fairly opposing personalities, but it makes for interesting dynamics between them.
TheBuggiest: Yuria and Elisa stay true to their characters, and the concept is an interesting one.
Needs work
AriadneArca: Too much dialogue, not enough detail as to the character's actions and movements. Also I'm a bit of an emoticon addict myself, but... the writer should try keep them out of everything but informal comments. They're a shorthand for emotional states - by using them in a story, it suggests that the writer either lacks the skill to describe those emotions adequately with words, or can't be bothered to try. The story could do better without the "~"s, "hehees" and frequent ellipses, too - it feels as if the writer is creating a script for a manga, rather than a piece of prose.
GrimNecropolis: Characters seem bound to caricatures, and the pacing/dialogue is confusing and hectic.
Khan: At times this entry was very choppy. The transitions did not flow well into the next scene, and sometimes I wondered why a scene was necessary at all. The opening scene is mainly used to deliver exposition that the twins had stolen a boat and gambled away their money, both of which could have been shown to us, rather than told about later.
RobinRone: As prose, this entry isn't particularly effective. I know that the two creators were intending to have a visual element, so I may have to go back later and see if this entry has been revised. As it stands, it reads more like a script than a story, and while I can envision the visual element, if they are unable to provide/complete the image portions to support the story, more effort should be put into the prose to flesh it out and make better use of whatever media they choose to work with.
TheBuggiest: Emoticons are not valid adjectives or sentences unless you've got a darn good reason to be using them, like if you were describing an emoticon. Also, a lot of the dialog sounded sort of flat and unreal, specifically when Elisa was talking about using people as tools. Description could have used some work, and please stop changing tenses mid-sentence. It's very distracting.
Comments for Auditions
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This means we made it? Awesome! That's for the critique, I'll be sure to work on those weaknesses in the future~.