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R2 Comments Set 2

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9. Rupert and Luka by spaceflight-wyvern vs. Magpie by elliejae
COMMENTS FOR RUPERT AND LUKA
GrimNecropolis
I felt I could relate, to a degree, to every one of the main characters. Rupert and Luka's fear during and after the fight scene highlighted them as real, sympathetic characters. We really get into Magpie's head as well, and we see a very human side of him when he loses control of the situation. The characterization was good, but I wish you had used it more effectively with some serious character interaction. After Luka meets Magpie, the dialogue and fight scene wrap up pretty quickly; the pacing got rushed, and in the end there wasn't much closure.
RobinRone
I really appreciated the efficiency of this entry - you packed a lot of story in, but it didn't feel rushed! There was little unnecessary exposition, and you got to the heart of the matter with the characters. I thought Magpie was decently utilized, but ultimately the entry felt unfinished, or at least rather anti-climatically completed. The rising action turned out to be the climax of the story, which kinda worked for a short story, but made the ending of an otherwise strong entry feel unsatisfying.
SaintKhan
I was really impressed with how efficient this entry was. Having Magpie already set up as the town's patriarch allowed this story to cut straight to the conflict. I did feel that the conflict, and the non-OC characters such as the sheriff, were underdeveloped, but the entry moved quickly, and your portrayal of Magpie was menacing enough to drive the plot.
TheBuggiest
I enjoyed reading Rupert and Luka's interactions again, and you did a good job of getting the story across clearly and succinctly. However, Magpie seemed rather flat here and didn't do much within the story besides exist as a sort of plot device. The story itself didn't seem to go anywhere; the characters were in practically the same position at the end as they were at the beginning. To be more specific, no one learned anything about what's happening with the Book or even went through significant character development (unless I missed something). Without some sort of drive toward an end-goal, your entries will begin to sound purposeless.

COMMENTS FOR MAGPIE
GrimNecropolis
I really like how you pushed Magpie in this entry. Unlike the last round, Magpie was out of his comfort zone almost from the start. His unsuccessful attempts to regain control gave his character a lot of depth, and it was considerably more fun to read than seeing him breeze through opponents. Luka and Rupert were not as strong, and their portrayals often felt uncharacteristic. There were some tonal inconsistencies, weird grammar, and choppy dialogue that didn't necessarily kill the entry, but they made the narrative jarring and sometimes confusing.
RobinRone
I liked that you challenged Magpie in this entry. There were also lots of creative, out-of-the-box ideas. Unfortunately, most of these ideas were presented in a confusing wash of exposition, which left me uncertain of the setting, characters, or narrative goal.
SaintKhan
This entry had some really creative ideas, and captured a western feel in a sci-fi setting very well. Unfortunately, I was often confused by the plot. Things seemed to happen at random, and I found the snarky comments of the narrator to be distracting. There was a bit of drama at the end with Magpie getting his hands on the stone, but I felt that the story would have been better served if the conflict had been driven by the characters rather than the MacGuffin of the Mortal Stone. Magpie is great at creating conflict on his own... when you give him help it seems like overkill.
TheBuggiest
It was neat to see the western genre applied to a colorful steampunk/sci-fi setting, and the plot was intriguing. The writing, on the other hand, was full of run-on sentences and other problems-- in particular, the bit in Part 3 where you gave us a brief summary of something you hadn't mentioned happening earlier in the story. I URGE you to get a beta; they catch issues like that better than anyone. Other than that, it seemed like you didn't take Luka's size into account (as I don't know that she'd have fit on the bar stool or into the wagon) and her outburst at Rupert in Part 6 was very out of character. Your creativity and the strong personality I see in Magpie are good starting points; round that out with more careful attention to your writing and your opponents, and you'll be heading in the right direction.

10. Sinclair by ariskari vs. Marcus by mpark6288
COMMENTS FOR SINCLAIR
GrimNecropolis
This entry was anchored by some very strong characterization for Sinclair. Despite his above-average skill, his reactions and dialogue felt distinctly human, which were enhanced by the very real moments with his new memories (which also set up future rounds very well). I liked that you gave Marcus's backstory a starring role, although Marcus himself wasn't all that distinct from Sinclair--their dialogue and actions felt almost interchangeable at times.
RobinRone
Two things that really sold me on this entry was the creativity put into choosing the setting and how well Marcus was portrayed. You did a great job of making Marcus seem true to form, and incorporated great little tid-bits from his backstory. What weakened the entry were a few unneeded segments and inconsistencies. The first portion sets up the tone, setting, and establishes the feral folk. However, the behaviors of these ferals varied rather extremely, from zombie-like to normal people (that kid looking for his da' didn't seem to exist in the same setting at all) and as a result the inconsistencies undermined the purpose served by the first section. So the story would have been better served by either A) Removing the first section that clearly outlines feral behavior, thus leaving them more unknown, which makes extreme variation okay, or B) being more consistent or clear about what variations could exist in the world.
SaintKhan
This was a solid entry that really captured the tone of its setting. I was impressed by how well you took Western themes and applied them to an post-apocalyptic world. Even more impressive was your portrayal of Marcus, whose backstory was incorporated seamlessly into your tale. The action was good, and built nicely to a climax. I was somewhat confused as to why the Ferals had a child that could speak when none of the others used anything beyond grunts, and I thought this was building up to a twist, but it was never addressed.
I felt that Sinclair was, at times, overshadowed by either the action, or Marcus. Occasionally, I caught myself thinking this was Marcus' entry, since he seemed to be more involved in the tale than Sinclair. Remember, that in the Book, you can tell any tale. If you can relate a setting so well to Marcus' backstory, you can just as easily do it for your own character.
Overall, a very solid entry.

COMMENTS FOR MARCUS
GrimNecropolis
Strongly written as usual, but that's just the thing--everything was as usual. You didn't take many risks here. Putting the climax at the beginning would have been more effective if you hadn't done the same thing last round. The humorous narrative communicated Marcus's personality well, which offset the aphorism-spouting hero archetype he became (for the purposes of the genre, I assume). Tally was strong as well, but Sinclair was lost in the background. He came across as two-dimensional, and his only contributions were echoing Marcus's adages and providing some muscle. You really stuck to your guns here--writing Marcus--and some risk-taking could really have sold me on an otherwise strong entry.
RobinRone
I like a lot of the concepts you introduced, such as the potential reality of everyone in the story, as well as the need to return purpose to a world that has been dominated by nothing but form for so long. I love the mood of this piece and enjoyed the momentum it had by the end, but man, did the beginning lose me. I had no idea what connections events had to one another or in what order they occurred. Having not one, but TWO start-at-the-action-then-cut-to-the-past left me very disoriented, and the story struggled to recover from the jerky and inconsistent start. Combined with writing that seemed rushed at times, and it really undermined the quality of an otherwise solid entry.
SaintKhan
A solid entry with a good western theme. There was a lot of wit in this entry , and the action and plotting were well paced. There were some solid character moments here, and Tally felt very well realized. Unfortunately, I was less convinced by both Sinclair and the Colonel. Sinclair seemed to blend into the background of this entry, and while the Colonel represented and interesting idea, that of agents for the caretakers or the Book going rogue, his character just wasn't fleshed out enough. Beyond generic evil and a few disturbing proclivities, what did the Colonel represent? How did he become the way he is, what broke him to the point where he is in this tale? This is an interesting theme to explore, but it wasn't realized enough to be anything more than a generic villain.
In terms of formating, I realize you like having in media res openings, but having two flash-forwards back to back to beginning your entry was very confusing. So the first was kind of a prophetic dream that he had while he was wounded, which itself was a flash-forward from the time when he was shot? Or when he was shot was a flash-backward from him being wounded?
You are clearly a complex writer, but don't leave us behind. Often, you will string four or five thoughts together in one extremely complex sentence. This quickly loses me. Split those sentences so that one, at most two, thoughts are expressed at a time. This will keep me from having to reread sentences, which kills the momentum of the tale.
Lastly, I occasionally found some of your word choice to be repetitive. For example: "It was pleasant, a slight haze and a more pleasant evening than I'd had in a long time." I feel that choosing a word to replace one of the "pleasants" would have made this sentence less awkward.
Still, this entry was solid and entertaining, and most of my negatives are largely cosmetic. Many of these problems seem to stem from the entry being rushed. Pace yourself, and please get an editor to point out these small issues. As it stands, they keep a good entry from becoming great.

11. Regis, King of Heroes by madican vs. Kali by silvervistani
COMMENTS FOR REGIS
AriadneArca
Good: You do a great job of making the puppets really, really creepy - the guy getting shot and then just patched back into the cycle was a particularly good example of this. I also liked the idea of the duel and how they all kind of 'get' that it's a break with the story structure. I also liked the way that Aramis revealed himself to Regis.

Bad: Just a few things that bugged me. Regis drawing a distinction between Sparrow and Lyric/Kali doesn't really make sense, considering that he'd known Sparrow for as short an amount of time when he first told her that he never abandons his allies. Considering how important this honour code is towards Regis' character, you can't really handwave it like that. I also kind of shook my head when Regis just went along with the Arama turning up in the prison thing, the theory that this wasn't the Arama he knew. I could maybe forgive such a mistake from a novice, but from Regis, it's just suspension-of-belief-breaking. Finally, Arama's final words to Regis are just silly. Again, as in your audition, this would be entertaining if the story was fundamentally that silly, but it isn't.
GrimNecropolis
This was a very pretty, shiny entry. The dialogue and action were clever, but I liked most how you threaded in Regis's backstory to generate some conflict and set up a nice arc to connect your entries. That said, the narrative felt impersonal. Kali and Lyric felt expendable--I never got a chance to get a sense of their characters, and they didn't contribute anything meaningful to the story. Regis was the strongest, but even then I wasn't sold on his relationship with Sparrow. I was also confused when he didn't so much as blink at Arama's offer, which sounded like something he'd want very much. I appreciate that you have something big planned, but back it up with good character work to keep your readers invested.
RobinRone
There are some very creative visual elements in this entry - I particularly liked the door set into the rock, and Arama's physical description was imposing and interesting. However, I felt the same problems from round one remained - Regis is never challenged. Oh, certainly he is PHYSICALLY challenged, but only in the sense that there is a bigger kid on the block. However, he shows no sign of being challenged in a meaningful, human way. He never suffers doubts, fears, frustrations, or moral conflicts. At most, he expresses annoyance, passing suspicion, or stubbornness, none of which are particularly compelling. Drama is not one kid beats up on another. Drama is when the kid who gets knocked down decides in spite of fear to get up, or when he compromises his principles and caves to the bully's demands, or when he runs away chased by both physical threat and his own shame. That kid just getting up without any emotion, without apparently being impacted at all, makes the character seem more like a puppet than a person.
SaintKhan
This entry gave a lot of backstory for Regis and his world. At first, Arama seemed superfluous, but he became critical near the end. However, I wish that Arama had been more closely tied to the story in the western town.
For me, the puppets became somewhat tedious. For a while, they ignored the main characters, leaving them with no conflict and no personalities to bounce off of. When they did engage the characters, their motive for pitting them in a death-match was never explained. You have some solid characterization with Arama and the main characters, remember that you can bring the same depth to any of the archetypes in the Book as well.
TheBuggiest
I feel like this entry was a step backward from the last one. The way Regis solves problems is interesting and tying in elements from the last entry (the bikes) was cool, yes, but a lot of the elements at play here felt like they were placed there purely for convenience's sake. They appear in a cave with bandits which is never mentioned again once they leave, the town has a game they play for their freedom with no real explanation (or relevance to your overall story)... it's easy to hand wave these events because the story's taking place in the Book, but it left me feeling dissatisfied. Another major problem was that Kali's actual interaction with Regis was so short, while Regis's enemy's exposition was SO long. All I really got from what you told me about Kali was that she wore a pointed black hat, had powerful magic, and that she knew how powerful Regis was. That's not much.

COMMENTS FOR KALI
AriadneArca
Good: Kali's descent into sickness is nicely handled - the initial hints when Lyric's hands 'thaw out' before hers, and then again when she finally sees the sick people. Regis and Sparrow's characters come across very strongly - my favourite example of this was when Kali was cut down by Sparrow after mischievously teasing Regis. The battle was also nicely done, and the soulless characters well portrayed, especially the moment of frustration when they won't realise that they have been rescued.

Bad: Having Kali cut out of the action was a bit of an odd choice as it naturally took the attention away from her; however, you do manage to negate some of the negative impact of this, thanks to the strong emphasis on Kali and her interactions with the others in the first part of the entry. Still; having the minor characters do all the work is something you should avoid. Also, the almost-flirty, tactile moments between Lyric and Kali are getting a little wearing. Small amounts of this is okay, but when it happens frequently, I can't help but start to feel uncomfortable - and that's not what you want for your readers.
GrimNecropolis
This entry carried the strong parts from the last: Kali's state of mind and relationship with Lyric. Kali has a solid character, and it's interesting to see the Book's effect on her mind. Lyric had a strong showing here, and you provided some good insight into how he sees and reacts to the world. Regis and Sparrow, however, felt like a collective third wheel. While their shared worldviews were an interesting foil to Kali and Lyric, the interaction between the two duos never got more than 2-dimensional. Their characterization consisted of a line of dialogue each to argue with Kali and two blunt explanations of their backstories and how it affected their personalities (in the middle of the battle, no less). It's obvious that you have no trouble fleshing out other people's characters--I'd like to see you do it with all of your opponents, not just Lyric.
RobinRone
Kali and Lyric's relationship seemed much more natural in this round, coming across as uncertainly flirtatious instead of overbearing. Adding in Kali's sickness was also a fair way to raise the stakes. However, I found my attention wandering as I read this entry. Much of it felt derivative, and I had difficulties getting invested. I think this is a problem particularly since I can never quite grasp anybody's motivation. Beyond a vague "well, I'm sure this will help the book" there never felt like a strong reason for any of the characters to get involved and invested. Once Kali is ill, people move forward with more purpose, but the steps that got them there felt aimless.
SaintKhan
There were some interesting concepts in this entry. The ice world and the domed valley did a good job of capturing the western theme of civilization struggling against encroaching nature. I found myself wishing to know more about pretty much everything that had to do with the setting. On the one hand, congratulations for making the setting intriguing. On the other, I felt that my curiosity was not very well rewarded. Beyond a vague sense that bandits are stealing the medicine and that the domed villages are isolated, I did not get much of a sense of the location beyond how it looked. What kind of culture do these people have? Why are they so sure the bandits are from a rival town? Why is this other town stealing medicine they are already receiving? Is the city that makes the medicine concerned about these raids or their employees being regularly attacked? A little more sense of this civilization and how it worked would have really endeared me to their plight. Since I wasn't concerned for people that the characters themselves see as 'soulless', I found it hard to believe that the characters would be either.
TheBuggiest
The character interactions in this entry were fun, and I felt that you portrayed the individuals well. I also enjoyed the creativity of your setting. It was a bit discouraging that Kali's role went straight to being a damsel-in-distress about midway through the story. This cut down on the amount of interactions she could have with the other characters, and it wound up sounding like the story was focused more on Lyric than your main character.

12. Reinald Todorov and Anna Smith by hisiheyah and flamebloodquickblade vs. Hazel Maddon by inktress (FORFEIT)
COMMENTS FOR REINALD AND ANNA
AriadneArca
Excellent entry. Really well put together; the Archetypes possessing characters was a brilliant twist, and Hazel's sacrifice was very moving. I'll be very interested to find which particular Archetype has its eye on Reinald... Though I did miss your art, the prose is more than enough to hold your entry to the same high standards. Keep it up!
RobinRone  
A fantastic entry with characters that I was invested in.  Creative use of the Archetypes has me curious what the future holds in store for Reinald and Anna.  Their sense of companionship is one of the things I enjoy the most about your entries.  Their relationship has a lot of nuance to it, which makes them believable and engaging.  I look forward to more!
SaintKhan
This was an intense entry. I loved the feel, and the concept of archetype possession is well conceived and executed. I thought you did solid work with Hazel's character, and you did a great job incorporating her character's backstory and history. Perhaps most impressive was your unwillingness to give the reader an even break. Leaving Hazel's fate unclear and having your characters reject her help was a great choice for drama and tension. This entry was fairly long, but engaging throughout. Keep up the good work.

13. Tatiana and Vespera by xxxtalithaxxx vs. Paige by metalsliver
COMMENTS FOR TATIANA AND VESPERA
RobinRone
Overall I felt this entry was well-written and at times down-right spooky. I shudder to think what you'd unleash if we get to a Horror round. You explored some of the darker aspects of the book, with an interesting and effective twist. I was right there with Paige -- the emotional transition of the characters was too quick. I liked how you took that suspicion and then made the pay-off even more frightening. What I didn't understand was Paige's need to drive a rift between the fairies in the first place. What was the objective? It's not that it seemed out of character, just that it seemed to serve no purpose, or was even contradictory to other goals she was pursuing.
SaintKhan
An interesting round. I found the image of Paige trapped in a story loop without even knowing it to be quite haunting. The Doctor was an excellent pseudo-villain, and I'm curious if he, or another force like him, will show up again to challenge the protagonists. I'm really liking the dynamic between Tatiana and Vespera as they slowly learn to trust each other and be a family again. I felt that the Western theme was somewhat lost among the other plot points, though. Not every round's theme will play to your strengths as a writer, but try to keep the the feel of the genre in mind. For example, emphasizing the Book's erasure of the patients in the hospital as a struggle versus a force of nature, or show the Doctor's methods as an abuse of the order that was meant to oppose that force of nature. Don't forget the themes of the round.
TheBuggiest
It was kind of nice, getting to the middle of the story and thinking 'this is lame, why are they getting along so easily?' then immediately having a wonderful and menacing explanation. You also managed to make me really care about the outcome of everything by showing what the end of the Book might mean. The western theme was kind of subtle here, but I did find it in your portrayal of Paige.

COMMENTS FOR PAIGE
RobinRone
I've said before that I couldn't get a sense of Paige. Now, even though we get a sense of her background in this entry, I feel absolutely baffled by her character. I do not understand why she does anything. What is her goal? Why would she manipulate people that she has just met against one another? What purpose could that possibly serve? How does it help her to achieve anything? WHY? I just do not understand this character. I do not understand her motives. I do not understand why she would take the actions that she does. I've been told she's strong, I've been told she's a good person, but NOTHING that she has actually DONE points to such qualities. Perhaps the author knows and understands clearly what Paige is working towards, but those goals are not coming across. Until they do, it is likely all of Paige's actions will seem needlessly callous, convoluted, and confusing.
SaintKhan
I'm a little confused. Why did Paige want to subvert Tatiana and Vespera? What was her goal? Is that just the way she is? Her subversiveness seemed pretty effective, so why did she feel guilty that Tatiana was killed? Was that not the goal? Did she not predict that her death was very probable considering what she did? Your writing is solid and succinct, and you images more so... just don't confuse me so much.
TheBuggiest
I got the western theme here in the gritty and somewhat depressing ending. The artwork you did get in was lovely, and you still managed to get your points across in the written portions fairly well. That being said I thought a few moments fell flat, like when Vespera tore of Tatiana's wings. It seemed like a bit more time should have been invested there in particular given the importance it holds to your competitor's characters.

14. Daniel by rosemarri vs. Campren McMillin aka Charley Campbell by tg-garfieldo
COMMENTS FOR DANIEL
AriadneArca
Good: The story of the travellers and Mr Lawson was a solid backdrop for Daniel's story, and I liked Daniel's cautious approach to Geoffrey and Campren.

Bad: Your characterisation of your opponents still feels a little weak. You took the time to discuss his physical mannerisms, which was good, but I don't feel that you stressed his cowardice and his paranoid suspicion enough - he seemed just a little too easy for Daniel to get along with. Also, the last few paragraphs in the story feel a little bland.
RobinRone
A simple but satisfying story that gave Daniel and Campren some great, heroic moments. The Western feel was strong, particularly at the end where the stakes felt high and the choices few. Campren seemed pretty well characterized and Geoffrey was neatly tied in without dominating the story. Your descriptions of the environment were also particularly good, and I loved the sensory detail you included. I could practically smell the scent of the forest! My only complaint is that the story felt fairly predictable and plotted. It never really surprised me. Although there was good tension, such as when Campren gets shot in the head, I was never really in doubt that the good guys would win out in the end. Don't be afraid to take risks and do the unexpected to your characters!
SaintKhan
A solid entry with a good Western feel. I loved the beginning as Daniel slowly worked out the world he was in, but I felt the story dragged a little when Daniel became obsessed with removing Campren's hat. Just ask him! I found Mr. Lawson to be a little generic... a little more to characterize his greed or jealousy would have made him seem like much more of a threat. Still, this was a solid entry with some great moments for Daniel. Great work.

COMMENTS FOR CAMPREN
AriadneArca
Good: Another well-written and well-characterised piece. You get across the personalities of each character well, and I especially liked your use of Daniel and Knives; their different approaches to solving the problem of moving on through the story work well with what we know of them.

Bad: Long and runs out of steam towards the end, to the extent that I did start to feel impatient for the story to close. The background story of the Spots and the Stripes wasn't cohesive and interesting enough to hold my attention. Also, the tiger's exposition was very clumsy; I feel you should have laid more 'clues' towards what he and Theodore were, perhaps showing more instances of the essence popping up in other characters, perhaps even dropped hints over a few rounds before dumping this explanation on us.
RobinRone
Great twists and character moments with Campren. I am continually fascinated by this fallible character and the unwilling baby-steps he takes (or doesn't) towards becoming a hero. I can never be completely sure of what he is going to say or do, but I can always count on it being entertaining. I did feel like the story was a bit hap-hazard. Things happened very rapidly and shifts in tone were often very abrupt without much connective tissue. A little more work towards either smoothing transitions or tying them thematically together could help you cover the same amount of ground without tossing the reader about in the process.
SaintKhan
That was a damn good twist. Theo's reveal was well done and managed to both surprise me and revealed a lot about what had happened in previous rounds. This story was entertaining, and a blast to read. I felt that Daniel was a little under-characterized... despite his obvious skill as a warrior, his insistence that he was not just a kid forced me to think of him as one. This entry was also quite long, but I felt it was entertaining enough to justify that length. Setting, characterization, and wit... this entry had them all. Keep it up.

15. Nair and Pura by jared-hai vs. James Englehart by bagnathesupervillain
COMMENTS FOR NAIR AND PURA
AriadneArca
Good: Nair and Pura are beginning to take shape as real characters. Their old innocence is fading, but it's being replaced by something much more interesting. The grand narrative, Editors, Authors, Chanters and all, is also looking very intriguing. Also, excellent description and scene-setting - I got a fantastic sense of their surroundings.

Bad: There is a lot happening in this entry, and it occasionally skirts dangerously close to becoming too confusing - a little worrying in a Round Two entry. Your characterisation of Amelia struck me as being a bit off - she comes off as a bit too responsible, lacking the whimsical, almost gleeful carelessness which is one of her strongest defining qualities. I'm also not entirely sure where the round genre came into play here - there was a bit of battling-the-elements but when that is explored in Westerns, it's more often about surviving the elements on a daily basis than isolated disasters.
GrimNecropolis
I like the story you're setting up, the plot was hung up by a lot of unnecessary exposition. A lot of the explanations could have been more smoothly integrated into the action--try to move the focus to the action while stil providing information. Most of the characters felt uncomplicated, although Nair and Pura are really sincerely characterized.
RobinRone
What a huge improvement from your first round! Nair and Pura have a lot more personality in this entry and seem quite distinct from one another. Their struggles are heart-felt, and Antagonist is proving to be a continuing force to be recommended with. Both James and Dr. A seemed fairly well-portrayed, although James came across as a tad softer than I might have expected. There are some interesting ideas with the Editor and Chanters as well. However, for a Western genre, I can only really find the themes if I push for them reaaaaallly hard (chaos vs order). Don't be afraid to push yourself outside your safety zone.
SaintKhan
I feel like this entry really expands and improves on Nair and Pura as characters. Dr. Amelia was an excellent sounding board to teach the reader about Elemental culture, and Nair and Pura definitely had more distinct personalities. I thought that James was characterized quite well, and there were some wonderful concepts with both the Editors and Chanters. You are also getting great millage out of Antagonist as a reoccurring villain. Perhaps the greatest strength of this entry lies in the vivd worlds you create. The city of the Chanters was wonderfully realized, much like Argentum before it. Keep this up, I really like your settings.
I did feel that the Western theme didn't really come through in this round. While the storm could be considered a struggle against nature, I felt that it served mostly to put characters in locations rather than communicate themes or represent a struggle.
Still, this was a solid entry, and I look forward to seeing more.
TheBuggiest
Your creativity definitely shone here through your use of setting, and I liked the addition of the Editor. However, I have no idea how this fits into the western genre. More importantly, something about Nair and Pura's interactions, especially when facing a problem, just felt... melodramatic? Excessive? Maybe my problem was that they seemed to greet every hardship that popped up in a similar and somewhat long-winded fashion that usually involved them both wilting visibly and talking about how things were better when it was just the two of them and how they'll never leave each other's side... It works once or twice, but it's getting a little repetitive. There was also a lot of talking period in this round: between the Editor and James, between the Chanter and your characters, the Q&A session between Pura and Dr. A. It didn't drag too badly, but it did make things confusing with the amount of information we were given.

COMMENTS FOR JAMES ENGLEHART
AriadneArca
Good: The interactions between James and Amelia - anyone and Amelia, in fact - are hilarious, as always. The theme of James' continuing conflict within himself and with the world around him is also well played, particularly the way it peaks (for this entry, at least) with Antagonist's offer.

Bad: The fight between James and Antagonist ending in a spontaneous explosion was a little disappointing. There's also very little description of people's emotional states, just explanations of their current thoughts, and though it could be used effectively in moderation, it can kill the excitement a little when all we are receiving is calm explanations of their current trains of thought. A good example of this is when James is attempting to force the trapdoor open: we are presented with thoughts that may cause frustration, anger or depression, but all that is said about his emotional state is that he is "distracted." As a result, this entry often failed to really grip me.
GrimNecropolis
Things moved fast in this entry, and it could have benefited from spending more time on setting up relationships and establishing urgency--a lot of the conflict felt thrown in there, and I found it hard to invest myself in it. Dialogue was snappy, and I got a good sense of the characters from it without too much extra information.
RobinRone
Solid characterization of every character creates a strong foundation for this entry. Antagonist's involvement was also well done, and the section at the end where Antagonist tempts James was one of the most compelling sections of the story. However, I found the front end a little weak. It didn't seem like James was very engaged, as though he wasn't really sure why he was in the story either. If that was the theme of this entry arch, that would be one thing, but it didn't seem like an intentional element being explored.
SaintKhan
A solid and fun entry with a good Western feel. Once again, you get great millage out of Dr. Amelia, and setting up James and Antagonist as foils will provide excellent drama down the line. To me, this entry did seem a bit rushed, and the characters seemed to be pulled along by the plot more than driving the action themselves. Still, this was a fun read, and I look forward to more in the future.
TheBuggiest
I enjoyed the intertwining of the western theme of civilization encroaching on dwindling frontiers with Antagonist's goals and the erasing of the stories. The uncertain ending with Antagonist's offer to James was also intriguing. However, besides the bit with James's recollection of Sally and the ending, most of the story felt emotionally flat. You could have helped us connect to the story better by elaborating on the descriptions you had and better trying to convey what the characters were feeling at any given moment. It also seemed that, though they were accurately portrayed, Nair and Pura didn't have very important roles in the story. They got information across at key points and Nair helped James escape, but when the climax came they literally just left. It doesn't seem out of character, but if you'd at least given them a parting shot or a little epilogue, they'd have felt a little better connected to the story.

16. Tishni and Zevran by awisha-teh-ninja and xakriuth vs. Llimsey and Artego by hardcore-introvert
COMMENTS FOR TISHNI AND ZEVRAN
RobinRone
Considering how rushed this entry was, the story was remarkably cohesive and fun. I wish you'd managed your time better, because this looks like it had a pretty good plot with some interesting long-term potential. The part that I had trouble with the most was your self-depreciation and down-grading of your own work. If you're rushed, you're rushed, but don't say your work is horrible. The fact that you created something complete is worthwhile in itself.
SaintKhan
This was a surprisingly solid entry given how rushed it was. It's clear you had a solid plot and a good story to tell, but didn't have time to do it justice. Don't be so hard on yourself!
TheBuggiest
The scrawled out drawings made this a little hard to follow at first, but the story was surprisingly solid. It was very funny and what's more a western, and I commend you for that.

COMMENTS FOR LLIMSEY AND ARTEGO
RobinRone
I really liked how you trimmed unnecessary exposition out of this story and cut to the crux of the interaction between the characters. That is exactly where the focus needs to be! Unfortunately, I'm having some difficulty relating to those characters. Llimsey's approach to life clearly operates on goblin logic, and as a result he seems somewhat alien. Artego, who is more human, could bridge this gap between reader and world, but I feel like he fades into the background. Balancing these characters out may strengthen your entries as a whole.
SaintKhan
I liked the efficiency of this entry, allowing the character's dialogue and behavior to explain what happened off screen. In particular, scenes of Llimsey stealing from the stagecoach and Tishni and Gerhardt searching for Llimsey were cleverly removed so that they would not bog down the story. My biggest concern is that Llimsey is becoming predictable. I can always count on him to be a troublemaker and hurt Artego's feelings, to the point where it seems like a compulsion. As a result, I am never surprised by his actions, just mildly annoyed that he can't seem to help himself and that no one seems capable of reigning his antics in.
TheBuggiest
This entry was humorous, and the character interactions were a lot of fun to follow. The story made sense, held together nicely, and further developed the relationship between your characters. I liked that you brought Artego more into things. I still feel that he could be shown more; in the climactic jailbreak, we didn't see him much. There were also some formatting issues. Overall though it was a pleasant read.
Round Two Comments
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TG-Garfieldo's avatar
(I know I'm upwards of two weeks late to the party, but I'll go ahead and post this anyway.)

Once again, you all have my deepest gratitude! The comments were more on the negative side this time, but I'm not surprised; my entry was very rushed, and a lot of the roughness and awkwardness could have probably been smoothed out if I'd managed my time better. Sorry about that. I really have no excuse; I can only try to do better in the future. (I haven't started on my Round 3 yet, but at least this time I have the excuse of having been traveling out of state.)

Still, I'm actually pretty happy to have some harsher feedback this time, since it gives me a better idea of the areas I need to work on.

AriadneArca, I gotta say, your critique was spot-on. I really appreciate the almost Cowell-esque truth of it, and I completely agree with the things you mentioned. The story probably lost steam because I lost steam, due to the fact that I'd planned out a story that needed more chapters than I had time to adequately write.

Even as I wrote it, I knew that the backstory and twist ending would suffer from being rushed, and once again I apologize for my bad time management. Theo's story was actually a last minute inclusion; I had planned to do the reveal in a later round, but slapped it on to the end of this one out of fear that my unfinished entry wouldn't be interesting enough get me through to the next round. I regret the decision now.