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R3 Comments Set 1

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1. Bobu and Ricco by :icondigidaydreamer: vs. Kali by :iconbardickitty:
COMMENTS FOR BOBU AND RICCO
AriadneArca Good: Woah, what a neat twist! Very nicely played, indeed. All the clues were there, but it was still a surprise, which is always an impressive thing to pull off. And yet there are still a few unanswered questions... I'm definitely looking forward to seeing what comes next. Your writing is still very enjoyable to read... however...
Bad: Very long-winded and rambling, which made it confusing at times. A lot could have been cut or abbreviated in this.
RobinRone Your character interactions continue to be fun and entertaining, but they're not enough to propel the story on their own. Pick a conflict, singular, and realize it. This story is a dizzying flood of partial conflicts, none of which furthered the plot effectively. What is the goal? Are they trying to ruin the story by sabotaging the Arvees, or planting rumors, or creating local conflicts? Is the focus Bobu's conflict with what is real and imaginary, who her family really is? Is the issue her relationship with Ricco? Is the goal to resolve family problems with Obbi, or tear them apart? Is the looming issue these versions of other characters and other stories mixing together???? PICK ONE! I felt very lost, waiting for something to resolve into a point of focus, but instead it felt like the tale was content to wander aimlessly, never willing to pick a conflict that would give it purpose.  The ending had lots of energy and emotional impact, with great twists and turns.  I just wish it had coalesced on that point quicker, which would have made the finale stronger.
SaintKhan Your writing is fun and engaging as always. However, I felt like this tale didn't really have a central conflict. As a result, the characters seemed to flit from one scene to the next without much to do other than the vague goal of ruining the story. As a result, I quickly became confused and lost. Don't forget to make the central conceit as interesting as your characters!
On a separate note I found your flash animation to be inspiring. I make the note separate because it seemed to be tonally removed from the rest of your writing. There were some great twists in here, and I love how you can keep pulling the rug out from under me. Each round you seem to find a new way to play with the TBOS setting. Keep that up, just lose the dead weight.
TheBuggiest The entry was enjoyable and funny with a rather intense ending, and though you didn't give us a traditional romance by any means, the elements of the genre were unmistakably woven in. Kali was well-utilized as were the other characters you featured. I do have one complaint: length. You were entertaining enough to carry us through the story, but the story wove back and forth up until the end with a lot of things shown that weren't strictly necessary. It's odd, because despite the length enough plot twists and new information were introduced in a relatively short segment of the story to become a little confusing. Overall though this was good, and I look forward to seeing more from you.

2. Frederik by :icontirrih: vs. Rupert and Luka by :iconspaceflight-wyvern:
DOUBLE FORFEIT

3. Campren McMillin aka Charley Campbell by :icontg-garfieldo: vs. Dahnnae Marfinn and Bechen K'vette by :iconconspiracy-z-cycle:
COMMENTS FOR CAMPREN
AriadneArca Good: Really enjoyed what I could see of this. Your use of the round theme to further Campren's own story is an excellent idea, and with Archetype-Caroline now threatened by the unwriting, things are really starting to get interesting... I also liked the setting you provided. The fact that Campren takes such joy from his neighbourhood/home despite the mention of weeds and vandalised mailboxes says everything about his reaction to being back.
And, your plot outline left this unresolved, but - has Campren just left his coat behind? D:
Bad: Unfinished. I'm grateful you left a plot summary, but knowing what could have been is painful!
RobinRone Campren's return to his world was heart-wrenching, witnessing the joy and relief of awakening from his life while the reader knows that it's only going to fall apart around him again. However, the story was incomplete, and based on the summary, would probably have been rather massive even if completed. Learn to set reasonable goals for your work. Boil down to the main feeling/concept you want to convey and figure out how to express that in a manner that is efficient. Right now it seems like you're taking on a little too much at a time.
SaintKhan An interesting tale. This story really had a lot of horror elements mixed in, which is totally fine. There was a lot of suspense in this tale, and everything from his conversations with Caroline to his nightmare did a great job of building up the suspense in this round. Considering how well these elements were written, I can't wait to see what you do next round, when the Horror Genre actually kicks in.
TheBuggiest Gah, this was incredibly well-written. It's not the easiest thing to drag genuine emotional response from a reader, but you succeeded with me this time around. Caroline's and Campren's interactions flow seamlessly, and his reactions to finding himself back home make so much sense when taken in context with his characters. The realism of the characters presented helped me to really connect with them. It would have been nice to see a finished piece instead of a summary, but that's mainly because of the skill shown in the written out portion.

4. Tatiana and Vespera by :iconxtalithax: vs. Jaya Ferox by :iconoreramar:
COMMENTS FOR TATIANA AND VESPERA
RobinRone You continue to explore interesting and creative concepts in your stories. A world designed to resist Unwriting was an interesting set-up, as was the idea of Vespera being written into it in lieu of a completed love interest. Where the entry fell a bit short was the inclusion of other characters. Jaya and GrimGrin felt largely superfluous, Reyes and Aurelia even more so. Be sure to give purpose and personality to all the characters you include.
SaintKhan This was an interesting tale, and it was nice to see Vespera given a little less angsty material, even it was briefly lived. It's clear that you are angling toward major changes down the road, and I am excited to see where these elements will go. However, I felt that this world could have been much more fleshed out. The only character with a name or actions in this world was Matthew. Was this done on purpose because the story had not been finished? This left me confused, and made the world seem strangely empty.
TheBuggiest I liked the idea of the clock and this particular story being made as a last-ditch attempt at preservation by the Book. I felt like you were really bringing the Book out as its own character, which was lovely, and the opening and ending of your entry were very nice. The characterization of everyone else, however, was a bit iffy with me. One problem I had was that the romance between Vespera and Matthew didn't have a lot of meat to it, or at least we weren't able to see why they liked each other. It would have been more fulfilling if Matthew was a little more fleshed out, or at least if the extent of his non-fleshed out archetype-ness was further explored. Also, GrimGrin didn't seem to have sufficient motive to try and destroy the story, at least when he first ran off. It was kind of explained later though. So… overall, I really liked the concept, but the execution could use some work.

COMMENTS FOR JAYA
RobinRone Strong characterization and very interesting concepts served this story well. As difficult as romance might be for Jaya, her interactions with Vardan gave the reader a fantastic opportunity to learn more about her and see her behavior in an environment not wholly defined by its conflicts. Jaya's character is transforming and evolving, and each piece of the plot seemed to subtly tie into the over-all tale of her personal growth. The only element that was a bit out of place was the overlaying worlds. While the concept itself was great, the idea never felt fully realized. Instead, the overlay elements felt more like a backdrop that had an unusual amount of time devoted to it, rather than an important part of the story in its own right. Would the story have been appreciably different without it?
SaintKhan For me, the 'romance' in this round was organic and believable. Best of all, I feel that you used this opportunity to really step up your characterization of Jaya herself. I felt Tatiana and Vespera were well characterized, with Tatiana's obsession with Leon/Lionel making an excellent counterpoint to Jaya's own romantic troubles. My favorite scenes included Jaya's conversations about love with both Leon and Vardan, and Tatiana's scene with the sleeping Leon. However, the ending left me somewhat confused, and I felt that the romance was never properly resolved, even with Jaya telling Vardan off. I think this largely came from Vardan completely vanishing from the tale after that conversation, well before Tatiana led them away from Jaya. Seeing Vardan's reaction beyond the initial shock and loss he felt might have made this tale seem more complete.
TheBuggiest For someone who really doesn't like to write romance, you did it exceptionally well. The dialogue and descriptions flowed, the characterization worked, and what's more you actually made me care about what happened to the characters. Even the ones that were already in the book were delightful. I also enjoyed the way you chose to show the merging of the stories, and how this overlapped with the characters' respective realities. If I had any complaints, it might have been the length and amount of the heart-to-heart conversations. Even then though it felt necessary and wasn't cumbersome to read through.

5. Flume and Smarmadine by :iconstar-seal: vs. Llimsey and Artego by :iconhardcore-introvert:
COMMENTS FOR FLUME AND SMARMADINE
GrimNecropolis This hilariously uncomfortable and brutal strangling of the romance genre highlighted the characters well. A setting familiar to both groups was a good way to start, and it made the eventual culture clash (which is starting to become a theme in your entries) all the better. I saw Flume, Llimsey, and Artego all out of their respective elements, which added some depth while solidifying what I already knew about them. However, there really wasn't much of a sense of anything happening in this round. I thought the bit with Coal-Seller was setting something up, but by the end of the entry there was no payoff. I would say this felt like an aside, but I haven't been seeing a larger arc build up over the course of your entries so far. At this point in the tournament, I think a good next step would be to start setting up a bigger picture--let us see something of a game plan.
RobinRone The concepts explored in this entry were interesting, but in the end this story lacked heart. Flume's asexuality as compared to Llimsey's raging libido is an intriguing study in itself, but the clinical presentation of it all made the actual interaction very predictable. The story itself also felt fractured, with Artego's portion wholly divided from Llimsey's, and ultimately inconsequential despite what should have been an earth-shaking moment for the character. While it could be argued that the theme tying them together could be the different types of love, it was always in the form of a discussion, rather than demonstrated through action. Love is talked about plenty, but was difficult to actually find. An odd problem for a romance round.
SaintKhan You did a great job of capturing the awkwardness between Limsey and Flume. However, I think this scene would have had more of an impact if the characters had gotten to know each other a little better. As it stood, there was no relationship between them, just a horny guy trying to play a girl into his bed, only to find that he had played himself by pursuing a lost cause. The entry also felt disjointed, as we had to backtrack in time to introduce Limsey and Artego. The story doesn't always have to be linear, but I felt like it took more away than it added in this case.
TheBuggiest The character interactions here were just priceless. Watching two people as different as Flume and Llimsey's reactions to one another was extremely entertaining and captured both characters quite well. I also enjoyed the descriptions of Wayspace and the different people there. One problem I have with this entry is that it doesn't really go anywhere. It's funny, yes, it fits in with the genre and the characters are well-portrayed, but there's nothing here about Flume or anyone trying to save the Book. In fact, the Book itself is only briefly mentioned at the beginning, so it doesn't move the story forward at all. Another problem I have is Artego's inclusion in the story, or rather what wasn't elaborated on. It felt like his interaction with the creepy deerman was leading up to something, and when he encountered Llimsey at the end I would have thought there'd be a confrontation—but you end it, right there, without any explanations. What would they have done? What was the deerman getting at? These didn't detract from my enjoyment of what you did have, but I would like to see that you're going somewhere with things.

6. Reinald Todorov and Anna Smith by :iconhisiheyah: and :iconsimply-irenic: vs. Sir Garner Kelheim and Lord Jerek Serevi by :iconkingspikearcher:
COMMENTS FOR REINALD AND ANNA
GrimNecropolis As much as I would pay good money to see otherwise, Austen-esque romance and action don't quite mix. However, you two used what was essentially downtime effectively to establish new plot points and show off some strong character interaction. The switched-up character duos provided ample opportunity to see another side of each individual, but the pairs did seem compartmentalized. At the end, each character went back to his or her group, and a lot of the elements that you had been building up didn't reappear. I feel like Reinald could have done what he did without him and Anna even meeting Garner and Jerek, which downplayed the significance of your opponent's characters. No matter how effectively used or humorously written your Victorian love story was, addressing the prime characterization/relationships would add a sense of closure.
RobinRone If all Romance stories were written like this, I'd buy out the section in the bookstore. Your characterization of all cast members was very strong, supported by fantastic dialog. The pacing was excellent, and suspense was handled particularly well. Just enough information was given at a time to hold the reader's interest, but enough was kept out of reach at each cut to keep us demanding more. The weakest part of the entry was probably the action at the end, which I found chaotic and confusing. While the drama was there, the more concrete elements of what actions characters were taking were not clear enough to paint a complete picture.
SaintKhan How interesting. This tale took a story I usually find boring, the Jane Austin novel, and made it interesting, suspenseful, and entertaining. The twisting of a romantic comedy trope, that of people being different than who they say they are, was ably used as the characters explored the tale. Unfortunately, I found the climax to be a bit confusing. How did Reinald force Chaos into the open? What did he do while Jerek and Garner were off-screen? However, these seemed like minor points in comparison to the sheer entertainment this entry provided. The characters were all portrayed very well, and your dialogue is witty and sharp, and never gets too long, or dwells too much on exposition. An excellent round, congratulations.
TheBuggiest I thoroughly enjoyed this entry. While it was undoubtedly a romance, the romantic elements were tempered well with humor, and the way Chaos/the overarching story involving the Book's demise tied into it was delightful. The characters were very well portrayed, and drawing the very last scene of the story worked wonderfully for emphasis. The only complaint I have is that parts of it near the climax were a bit confusing, specifically the sudden and inexplicable happening of the Reinald-Chaos interaction. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

COMMENTS FOR GARNER AND JEREK
GrimNecropolis Once again, you set up the next round expertly. Not only was I drawn in by the turn in the story, but the end of the entry also saw Garner and Jerek's relationship develop and become more complex. While I appreciated the ample attention you gave to Reinald and Anna, Agatha and the two of them felt fairly uncomplicated. Remember, most people don't wrap up their world-views in neat little aphorisms and give them away like presents. Also, a lot of the character interaction-heavy scenes felt disconnected from the plot, to the point at which it broke up the flow of the story. I like where you're going character-wise, but try to integrate that sort of thing more smoothly into the action.
RobinRone An interesting story with a VERY strong ending. The discussion of love between Jerek and Garner was particularly enjoyable, and I found Salim/Samuel/Romeo's transformation at the end particularly dramatic and intriguing. Reinald and Anna were well utilized, seeming fairly in-character. The weakest part of the entry was the beginning, which was predominantly exposition, much of it unnecessary. In fact, had it been cut entirely, I don't know if the story would have suffered much. Trimming the bulk of it out, or finding a more interesting way to convey the key pieces of information, would have helped the story greatly.
SaintKhan
I thought the choice to delve into supernatural romance was an inspired one. However, I felt that this choice needed something a little more… either by committing to the genre more fully and making Samuel and Leanne more fleshed out characters, or choosing to satire the source material and point out how poorly constructed Samuel and Leanne were. Once again, I loved the quiet moments with Lord Jerek, as he reveals more about his relationship with his wife, and the comparison to Garner's romance was sublime. Overall, I felt like this entry could have been better served by more moments like these, and fewer that simply moved the plot along. Ideally, a scene can do both, but if you have to choose, always choose character moments over plot moments.
TheBuggiest Another solid entry for Garner and Jerek. The interplay of Leanne and Samuel's story with what was going on with the book as a whole was intriguing, as well as the revelation of Chaos's motives being more than just causing havoc for giggles. The idea of the Archetypes coming to self-awareness is especially interesting. There were a few minor things I found fault with, namely the approach you took for relaying information in the beginning and during Anna's recollections in particular. Lengthy bits of exposition and wandering through a character's thoughts can work if you really need to tell the reader something, but it can become tedious for the reader. It might be easier to hold their attention if you reveal what happens through a few scenes with character-made references to intervening time instead of flashbacks, for example. Overall though this was a good read.

7. Irial by :iconwaradmiral: vs. Sinclair by :iconariskari:
COMMENTS FOR IRIAL
TheBuggiest The photograph took my breath away with its bleak statement of modern society's dehumanizing effect on the individual. It was truly a work of genius. But sadly enough, a placeholder is still a placeholder.

COMMENTS FOR SINCLAIR
AriadneArca Good - You've nicely interwoven the ideas presented in WarAdmiral's entries while putting your own spin on them. I really liked Sinclair's response to being warned about the Casting - though he accepts that Marissa's warnings about Casting are genuine, and keeps himself on the lookout for warning signs, he doesn't truly understand the extent of the danger he is in until he gets a nasty wake-up call, which feels very realistic especially given how well you balance out his acceptance of the risk with confidence in his own strength of mind. I also liked how the Viscount ended up being a rather more flawed character than we were lead to believe at first, as well as how you laid hints that this was so through Sinclair's unexpected vanity.
Bad - I felt Marissa's characterisation was a little too nasty at times. I certainly feel that her egging Irial on to kill Sinclair would have been out of character - but as this is just conjecture on Sinclair's part, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume something different is going on here that we just haven't discovered yet. Irial also gets a very marginal role, playing second fiddle to Marissa. You admit to having trouble with it, but remember - your portrayal of your opponent's character is one of the most important aspects of your OCT entry. Don't just let it slide.
RobinRone I had a lot of difficulty reading this round. The dis-jointed fragments, while great for moving the story along, made it difficult for me to track what was going on. Coupled with many run-on sentences that contained tangled language, the story often had me tripping up as I read it. Irial also seemed barely used, a side-line character for the majority of the tale. That said, the concepts presented in Irial's stories were utilized well, and the idea of Casting was an interesting and frightening addition to the world of The Book. Sinclair's struggle felt genuine and desperate, which sets a great foundation for the horror round coming up.
SaintKhan This entry had some really great concepts, and the idea of Casting really got my attention. Further, the Casting was used rather effectively to skip any extraneous scenes and keep the entry moving forward. Sometimes I felt this rushed the pacing of the story, however. I also felt that Irial contributed very little to this tale, leaving all the exposition to Marissa, who knew more about what was going on. What confused me was Marissa's hostile attitude toward Sinclair. I would understand some initial anger after her own experience being Cast, but her unwillingness to help someone who was suffering the same way she did seemed needlessly callous. Still, I enjoyed this entry, and I thought you did a wonderful job in a very tough round.
TheBuggiest One thing I've really liked about your entries is how you slot the characters into things, and incorporating the idea of casting was intriguing. It was fun to see Sinclair struggling against the Viscount's personality. It might have been better, however, if the story hadn't felt so rushed, especially at the end. I'd have liked the struggle between Sinclair and that personality to be emphasized more, made longer, along with the duel with Irial. Perhaps part of the problem was how he just blanked out and was suddenly doing something else. If you'd made the transition more of a fuzzy blur or even just elaborated on how disconcerting it has to be to suddenly be across the room with no memory of how you'd gotten there, it would have pulled me in a bit more. I'd also liked to have seen more of Irial. Marissa seemed better characterized than him, for one, and the point at which he really could have been brought out (namely the duel) you seemed to be in too great a hurry to get to the end. Perhaps a more concrete explanation of why he was going through with the fight would have helped, or adding a few scenes with just him and Marissa talking together.

8. Hyde and Jackal by :iconsomekindasmeargle: vs. Nair and Pura by :iconjared-hai:
COMMENTS FOR NAIR AND PURA
AriadneArca Good: I liked the notion of the representation of emotion being systematically destroyed, especially the manifestation of this in the screaming lovers rising from the ground. I'm looking forward to seeing the consequence of this unfold.
Bad: After your improvements last round, I found myself once again unimpressed by the character development in this one, which often felt forced. James' conversation with Hyde conversation in particular felt unrealistic, with James telling Hyde his whole life story after giving him the cold shoulder, with little prompting. Also, his reaction to the news that Hyde has lost his mother seems entirely implausible. James comes from a world in which loss of relatives is a relatively common occurrence - and a lot of the time, he's the one who killed them! He even admits as much to Hyde, which makes Hyde's acceptance of him almost as bizarre. His epiphany after speaking to Hyde is also out of the blue, with no external catalyst. Finally, Antagonist's monologue was uninteresting to read. For the most part, it was a rehashing of information that we already had, or could already gleam from Antagonist's actions, and because of the clichéd presentation, any new revelations lacked impact.
GrimNecropolis You're doing a good job setting up a larger arc: the governing forces, the taking sides, the larger roles each character is taking.You certainly knew where you were headed in the end, but the actual story felt confused. The entry lost a lot of momentum after the fight with Antagonist, which really felt like the final battle, yet it still felt like it was going too fast with Dr. Amelia's extra dose of hurried exposition. Try to give your entries some focus: have the exposition and character development (which, at this point, should extend beyond each character explaining and defending his or her motivations and perspective) build up to the action. Ending with exposition is tonally bland. Communicate what you need to the reader, then reward them with action (not necessarily guns and explosions, but a satisfying, significant climax to whatever conflict you've been building up).
RobinRone Part one seemed a complete, finished story on its own, and I didn't feel like the remainder added a lot more. The action and suspense was well managed, the environment an interesting setting well-used, and everybody had a strong role to play. Overall, part one was a very satisfying read. The dialog sections in part two are mostly exposition in nature, hanging a lantern on each person's problems. The trouble is that none of the issues are new, and none of them are shown, relying instead on explicit descriptions to convey a concept. Try to think about how you can have your characters say one thing, but through action convey something else. Try to rely less on providing the reader with internal dialog and focus more on other types of ques to give the reader information. Consider: What is the character looking at? What is their body language? What is their tone? What is their expression? What DON'T they say? This can tell the reader a lot more than just the words.

Example Dialog:
"My mom called this afternoon."
"Oh?"
"She wants to have dinner with us Thursday night."

Example 1: "My mom called this afternoon," Jenny chirped to David as she stepped lightly through the door. She nearly skipped across the room, tossing her purse on the couch. David smiled in reply, neatly catching the bag. "Oh?" With a grin, Jenny flipped the page on the wall calendar, her eyes lighting up as she perused its contents. With gusto, she circled a date. "She wants to have dinner with us Thursday night."
Example 2: Jenny shoved open the door, throwing her purse into the closet with enough force to make David jump in surprise. He raised a concerned eyebrow when he met her glowering gaze. "My mom called this afternoon," Jenny spat, her mouth twisted with revulsion, as though she'd just bitten a lemon. "Oh?" David asked carefully, his voice a neutral, hesitant tone. Jenny threw herself down on the couch next to him and sighed heavily. "She wants to have dinner with us Thursday night."

What isn't Jenny telling us, and how much more do we know as a result?

SaintKhan For me, it seems like you had a solid classic romance story all within Part 1. In fact, I think it would have been quite good to have just ended the tale there. Much of what followed was exposition, characters telling their stories. This would have been much less frustrating if we hadn't already read these stories before. While Nair and Pura don't know about everyone's past, the readers do, and having it explained to them again is largely tedious. I find what works best in these situations is to either have all of these introductions and stories swapped off-screen, or to ignore them entirely and have the characters reveal who they are through action. For example, during the Part 1 fight with the Ink Dragon, we learned everything we needed to know about James. He's a ruthless, skilled fighter, almost suicidally confident, with a bit of a callous streak. From his actions and small bits of dialogue, like his "disgusting" reaction to killing the dragon, we learn that he doesn't value life very much, and he comes from a place where such danger is commonplace. Did we learn anything more from his conversations in Part 2? Sure, we learn facts about his life, but his actions have already spoken much more about him. He showed us his character, rather than told us about it, which will always trump fact-spouting when you want drama. Ask yourself: does this conversation reveal anything new about any of the characters who are talking? If not, skip it and move on.
It's clear you are developing as a writer; a beginner rarely falls into the exposition trap. The next step is learning that writing is just as much about what you choose to leave off the page as it is what you put on.
TheBuggiest You continue to show a good deal of creativity in your entries, here with the world of emotion and the addition of the Author. I also enjoyed the fights against the dragon and the Antagonist, respectively, which were fairly well written. However, these fights were separated by long-winded and often awkwardly phrased conversations between the characters. Much of it could have been left out without harming the story too much, as it was just restating things we as readers already know. There's also the problem of your protagonists' lack of development. At the moment they each seem to be defined by a single character trait and their relationship to one another. There's got to be some way to bring them out and make them more rounded.
Round Comments for Romance TBOS Round 3.

EDIT: Missed some of Khan's comments on Bobu and Ricco. SORRY! Fixed!
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Jared-hai's avatar
Auch, i guess you can tell pretty clearly where i had to start rushing and paying less attention to what i was doing! D: I'll try harder this time, if i want to keep going.