ROUND THREE COMMENTS - Set 2

5.  Sisca vs Empress Amegallus and Guile Guin

COMMENTS FOR SISCA
BagnaTheSupervillan:  This entry seemed to have a bit of a split identity. On one side, there were big tournament-changing events that the OCs in the entry were little more than spectators for. On the other side, there was a story about the Empress capturing Sisca and Nick and Emi getting violent that didn't really affect anyone outside of the five OCs involved. I support having both of those elements in a good entry, but I generally like seeing the OCs bounce off each other a lot more, so wading through 7 parts before I got to Sisca's interactions with Amegallus felt like a long wait to get to the fireworks factory. I think that finding some way to intersperse those two types of storylines would have both made the big plot stuff more entertaining and would have made the character interaction feel more relevant to the overall plot. For example, it seems like Sisca and Nick could have met Meg, Guile, and Emi much earlier in the entry and the five of them could all have participated in the main plot events together, instead of the three characters being confined to the end of the entry. Interweaving the plot-significant parts of the story with the character-focused parts of the story would both make your entries more entertaining and would probably have the benefit of making future written entries less absurdly long.
Lithicbee:  I liked how you fleshed out Amegallus in this entry. Her motivations were clear to me, and the way she ignored the facts on the ground and steadfastly held to her vision of the world seemed like exactly how an Empress would act. I also liked Emi’s characterization and the inclusion of her bizarre game-playing.

Regarding the in media res beginning of the entry, this would have been more effective if you showed us Sisca and Nick in chains and under Amegallus’ control and then cut immediately to part 2, so that the reader is compelled to read forward to find out how they got in this situation. The dream sequence and “convoluted reality” (Sisca’s own words) slow down what could be a catchy grabber of a beginning. This is basically the pattern for the entire entry, though. For each event, you repeatedly tell the reader what is happening, either through your narration or by having the characters discuss the situation in depth. Trust your readers to figure out what is going on without having to explain it down to every last detail. This is not an easy skill (I am guilty of the same crime; my editor calls me The Expositionator), and it can be hard to judge how much or how little you need to explain something. If you’re not sure, err on the side of less detail and check with a beta reader: “Did you understand what was happening here?” or “Tell me what you think happened in this scene?”

Due to the over-telling, this entry ended up feeling over-long. I recommend you use the next entry to push yourself and experiment with telling less and showing more. The events of your story are interesting, your character’s reactions to the story are interesting, Sisca is a curious mystery. Don’t bury those events and characters in so much exposition that they get lost in a sea of words.
RobinRone:  The purpose of a story is not to convey information, but ideas and emotions. Sometimes information (ie, exposition) is necessary in order to establish the context for a concept to be explored, or an emotion to be conveyed. However, it is a tool, not an end goal, and too much of it can drown an entry and rob it of its meaning and life. Unfortunately, this is what happened here. While there were some good sources for emotion (Sisca & Nick having a shared history vs Minos) they were usually over-explained, told rather than shown. Another example of over-explanation killing tension was the start of the entry that establishes Sisca & Nick got out alive, which removed any peril from the scene inside the collapsing Hall of Judgement. Instead, what could have been a tense scene became a tedious repetition of the same elements over and over: 1) Rumble of collapsing building, 2) Sisca experiences pain, 3) A key is searched for, 4) What is found doesn't help achieve the objective of helping Nick escape. All of which, thanks to the first scene of the entry, we know is going to work out okay because they were safe and sound in the future. A technique you might consider is note-card brainstorming. Blake Snyder in "Save the Cat!" talks about his technique for this, and while I can't recommend his book as whole-heartedly as Brian McDonald's "Invisible Ink," he's got a lot of methods that you might find useful. Note-card brainstorming requires boiling down scenes into single-sentence goals, with an entering emotional state and an opposing exiting emotional state. Laying out your work like this prior to writing might help you recognize when something has lost its purpose, and help you trim out repetitive, unnecessary content.
SaintKhan:  This entry lost a lot of tension by having the reveal of Sisca shackled to Nick at the very beginning. The purpose of a flash forward intro is to make the reader question how the characters got into the situation they find themselves in. Ideally, it should reveal as little as possible, so that the flashback leading up to it holds twists and turns that we never see coming. In this entry, the entire sequence of Nick's rescue seemed unnecessary since we already knew that Sisca and Nick would survive to get to the into. I think this entry would have been stronger if you had placed the dream sequence and flash forward back in chronological order after their escape from the Hall of Judgement.
After their escape, the entry pulls the drag-chute for two and a half chapters by having the entire cast cool their heels and exchange information from their character sheets. While it's nice to see Sisca and Nick learn that they have a lot more shared history than the knew, the fallout of Sisca protecting Minos from Nick could have been better handled. As it stands, Nick tells Sisca, and therefore the reader, that he is angry at Sisca for stopping him, but he doesn't show that anger. What actions, other than saying it, could Nick take to express his broken trust?
I also found it interesting to explore the idea that the both of them, plus Guile, are artificially created, but still have souls. This scene seemed poorly placed, though. While I liked the ideas presented, it extended the already tedious sequence of them waiting on the hill and not actively pursuing any goals. This was exacerbated by the conversation going on about twice as long as it needed to. Please cut down on the repetitive conversations. We know Amegallus is overly-ambitious. She only needs to try to recruit Nick and Sisca once. We know Nick is angry at Sisca. It's one thing to have Nick not accept her explanation for sparing him, it is another for her to try the explanation twice more. Remember that anything worth saying is worth saying only once, and anything not worth saying is not worth saying at all.  
Topios:  You had some quite interesting ideas going on with the gods, and I enjoyed how you fleshed out Amegallus and used Emi. Letting her act on her warped idea of games not only reminded the readers that she is dangerous but also made for a nice bit of suspense. The entry was rather long though, and I feel like it could have been pruned with some more effective storytelling. You rely on telling things that doesn’t really need to be told as you’ve already shown them. Things also got rather convoluted. You work with so many big ideas that keeping track of them is hard. Try to focus on what we need to know and avoid extra details. A more positive note to finish off on though is that the shift in media did serve you well, this entry felt much more complete than your previous ones.

6.  48 vs Arya

COMMENTS FOR ARYA
BagnaTheSupervillan: This entry succeeded at moving the story forward in several interesting ways, but I felt like the characters themselves got left behind a bit. The biggest example is 48, who underwent a significant change in personality that was justified nicely but never felt properly explored. Spending more time with 48 and finding out more about his new perspective would have made him feel better used. I did enjoy Arya and her futile attempts to fight a pair of gods. The effort she expended throughout the story helped it feel like less of a cheat when she acquired godlike power through Prometheus' efforts later, and the fact that she didn't have much part in obtaining the power was a nice way to emphasize how ill-prepared she is to get it and how little she wants it, which should make the next part of the story more interesting than it would have been if she had gotten the power of a god intentionally. Baldr seems to be behaving greatly out of character at the moment, so it should be interesting to find out more about the reasons for his behavior. Overall, this entry did a good job moving the plot forward, but it needed a greater focus on the characters to feel more meaningful.
Lithicbee:  Overall, this entry did a good job of moving Arya forward in the larger story and also in shaking up the entire tournament with several game-changers. Having Prometheus be freed due to Arya’s actions was a nice touch (especially his daily revenge on the eagle), but his character was given so much focus that you risked having him outshine Arya herself and he definitely outshined 48. That being said, what time 48 did have allowed for some growth for that character both believable (learning to not trust everyone) and less so (becoming an alien killing machine). Prometheus also had a quick change of character. Half the story is spent stressing that he will not go against the gods, but then not only does he do so, he ends up killing one of them for Arya. This is important to point out for two reasons: 1) the sudden character change is not believable and pulls the reader out of the story, and 2) it wasn’t necessary. It would have been better to have Arya confront and kill Saturday, both because it gives your main character something active to do, and because then her godhood is something she earned rather than something she passively receives (which is the second time this has happened if you include being mistaken for Cer as the prelude to becoming a god). There is one other area I would like to point out where you robbed the story of some dramatic tension. You have Arya making a plan to distract Saturday so she can steal 48, but no sooner does she plan it than they find out about it and announce their counter-plan for Baldur to stay behind. So at this point the audience is not surprised when Baldur shows up, but then 48 announces Baldur’s arrival so not even Arya is really surprised when he shows up. You could cut out all of Saturday and Baldur’s plans and simply have Baldur surprise her when she goes for 48. He could then say, “Did you think you could fool a god so easily?” Not only would this cut out some unneeded words from the entry, it would be more surprising and exciting for Arya and the reader. Arya is an interesting character; I hope to see her guiding the action more in your next entry rather than being a passive passenger.
RobinRone:  You took a lot of risks with this round and I think they paid off. I appreciate that I can never guess where you're going to go with your stories. They always surprise me, but they make sense the whole time. I'm also impressed with how quickly and effectively you characterized Prometheus. I immediately got a sense of the character, his principals, and it made the friendship that grew between him and Arya believable. You also took 48 in interesting directions, and I love the new discovery of its person-hood as a part of its development. Your take on Baldur was unique and I thought it worked really well, especially with how he and Mr. Saturday interacted. One thing I am a little wary of is the growing number of god-killing weapons in Arya's arsenal, but you're balancing that out somewhat with Arya's mixed feelings about the directions her life is taking. More than almost any entry, I feel the wear and tear that Hades has caused on Arya's soul, and the changes it has wrought. You're improving in leaps and bounds with every round, and I'm excited to see what comes next.
SaintKhan:  I feel that this entry continues a trend of improvement in your storytelling. The addition of Prometheus was a clever way to give Arya a voice to her conscious, and he was also fun character to read. 48 was also a key part of this entry, and I feel that you used him exceptionally well. He got both character growth, and was as key to driving the plot as Arya was.
I both liked and disliked your portrayal of Saturday. His gentlemanly business side was very in-character, and I also liked his relationship with Baldur, which said a lot about both of them in very few words. However, I found his nastiness in torturing Arya to be over the top, even for him. As the entry went on, he became more and more villainous, and in a way that made him seem less fleshed out than he had been when he was simply talking with Balder or cutting deals with Arya.
That said, I had no problem with Saturday's death, and I liked the idea of Arya's discomfort with her new abilities. This is a great way to not only have the reader feel that she earned her new power, but it also characterizes her as we learn about her feelings when it comes to the idea of inflicting pain, having suffered so much of it recently. This combined with her dialogue with Prometheus has done more to characterize Arya than all of your previous rounds combined. Arya is now a hero I can root for, and I am genuinely interested in seeing where you take her next. Good job.
Topios:  It can never be said you’re not willing to take risks in your entries and your entry is technically good. There’s a nice flow of events, it is mostly easily read and you put in effort to develop and change both characters. Sadly I found your portrayal of a few of the characters a bit dubious. 48 changed personality rather abruptly despite the reasons given, which may have been fixed by paying a bit more attention to his development. Saturday seemed needlessly cruel to me, tipping over from a mere jerk to evil seemingly for the sake of justifying his death without giving any good reason for him to act this way that I could see. The worst was your portrayal of Baldur though, who appeared to act like the total opposite of his mythological self. This tournament has plenty of characters that are jerks already; you do not need to add another one, especially one whose defining feature is being good and pure. While I loved the idea of him masquerading as Charon, the rest of his part in this story left me frustrated. In the end this entry felt like it was centered on killing Saturday and giving Arya his abilities, especially as Prometheus took on a role as a lead character in my eyes. This leaves me particularly frustrated with Arya, as she so easily gains another unearned boon besides being conveniently mistaken for Cer. While the point may be that she is not prepared to become a god I feel that she should still earn it, especially as she had so many tools at her disposal already. You have to be immensely careful as you go on and portray Arya’s reaction to this development in a convincing manner to keep my interest.

7.  "Hunter" Jon Fischer vs Ron Merrit and The Ghost

COMMENTS FOR RON & THE GHOST
BagnaTheSupervillan:  This entry did a truly impressive job of balancing all six of the OCs and several other characters besides and writing all of them well and giving nearly all of them noteworthy moments. However, the inclusion of so many different characters and plotlines made this entry feel a bit bloated and meandering. Ron certainly has a lot of irons in the fire at this point, but so far none of them stand out as particularly dramatic. The most effective moments for me usually occurred when most of the characters had their stories intersect, such as the near-confrontation in the blood rain. Seeing the various characters get their own story developments is a lot of fun, but it might be on the verge of becoming unmanageable as you accumulate more characters in each round.
Lithicbee:  The intersection of characters lost in their own memories in the blood rain was a really good scene in an overall well-done entry. This entry did feel longer than it needed to be; it’s not that any of the plot points were unneeded, but I would recommend that the individual scenes could have been trimmed to move the story along at a faster pace. Even with the somewhat slow pace, Ron’s story is becoming an epic tale and I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.
RobinRone:  I'm noticing a really interesting, and a little bizarre, trend. Not necessarily bad, but something to be aware of. In the last round, it seemed like Rin was more a focus than your opponent, Jesse. In this round, it seems like Jesse is more of a focus than your opponent, Hunter. Each time it seems like the involvement and characterization of the person you're against is one round behind where you are. The upside is that you're doing really interesting and wonderful things with these characters, and I'm amazed at how many people you're juggling without dropping too many pieces in the process. The downside is it feels like the opponent gets the short end of the stick each time...at least, until the next round. That said, this was a fairly gripping round with some great drama, and even though Hunter felt instrumental to only a side-story, you did resolve a major emotional struggle for him that promises to pay dividends later. I found the first portion of the story incredibly gripping, but something happened in part nine that took the story from a sprint to a stumbling lurch. Part of it was repetition, part of it was too much exposition, and part of it was some very odd tonal shifts (particularly with Ron, the Snake, and Jesse). Rather than coming together in a climax, parts 9 and 10 felt more like a fracturing, disjointed, drawn-out falling action. This may have contributed to Hunter feeling somewhat neglected, as most of his contributions happened in this portion of the story. Nonetheless, I'm very eager to see what happens next, as you're weaving a very intense and complex tale that continues to promise great twists, turns, and lots of excitement.
SaintKhan:  Intense, as usual. I must praise your character work, as your dialogue clearly expresses each character's viewpoint and goals. While every character was portrayed well, I must give especially high praise to your scenes with Dr. Minos, who comes off exactly as the creators envisioned him. Izanami also springs to mind, as well as the many OCs you fit into this entry. I am increasingly liking Ron's 'man-with-a-plan' attitude, and his boldness and competence are a joy to read about.
The sticking point of this entry seemed to be in the 9th part, which dragged on with with very little of the intensity built up before. While it was good to reunite your principle characters, much of the conversation here was simply less relevant and interesting. I think you could have cut a majority of part 9 and not lost a thing of value. This brings me to what I consider the other weakness of this entry: Hunter. I'm not certain I bought Hunter's quick inclusion into Ron's plans, and besides that, he had very little to do in this entry. He did not even appear in this entry until part 4, and you seemed to struggle with giving him something to do until his visit to Tiamat. If I had not know better, I would have thought Jesse or Rin was your opponent in this round, as both of them got a lot of great character work and screen time. It seems that it takes a round for you to warm up to the addition of new OCs in your entries. If you keep up the solid character work and great, tense plotting, this weakness will be minimized, but it could still be a problem in later rounds.
One last thought: You have a true gift for dialogue and prose. While the comic sections were nice, and did their job admirably, I think your writing is an order of magnitude stronger. I would consider not only using it exclusively in later rounds, but also in other future projects. You have a definite voice that comes across very strongly when you write. A little more practice, and I won't have much advice on how you could improve.
Topios:  As always you give us an ambitious and well written entry. Despite the large number of characters they are all well portrayed and there was a good flow without any really dull moments. I liked that you continued Jesse’s involvement and showed him trying to deal with the situation you’d placed him in just like you did and continue to do with Rin. This creates a strong sense of an ongoing story with the promise of further development later on. But that is also part of your problem, as I once again felt your actual opponent got pushed to the side. While Hunter, and his entourage, were present and got some developing moments he was overshadowed by Ron’s numerous plans and Jesse’s continued story. Jessica and Jerry got even less attention and only seemed to do anything in the short aftermath of the near-confrontation. Be careful you don’t take on too many characters and storylines; remember that you can dispose of tagalongs if needed. If you add much more I fear I’ll be thrown off.

8. Kara vs Ilyas Gram and Skullcat

COMMENTS FOR KARA
BagnaTheSupervillan:  The plot outline shows a lot of potential. The idea of Kara's new mistrust for the gods leading her to partner with Ilyas over Anubis is a fun one, and Ilyas' attempts to keep Kara from turning on him until their eventual falling out sounds like a good story arc.
Lithicbee:  (based on placeholder summary) Ilyas’ actions (running from one of his victims rather than killing them again, letting Kara slow him down) didn’t strike me as quite right, but this is mostly explained later since he is leading Kara to Hecate and, I guess, can’t risk alienating her. However, it still didn’t quite ring true to Ilyas’ character for me. I’m also not sure why Kara would jump into Ilyas’ orbit simply because Anubis told her not to, and then stay with him despite his sketchy behavior. Maybe these issues would be resolved if the story were fleshed out. The concept of Hecate extracting Ilyas’ rage and fear is an interesting one. If you set it up so the entry ends the same way for him as you currently have it written, but make his capture less of a sure thing (give him a fighting chance to escape, for instance), that could be a very satisfying ending (or near-ending) to Ilyas’ story. Finally, I would recommend that you give Kara a more active ending. First she ran from Anubis, then she ran from Ilyas, now she’s praying to a god for help after denying the gods. It feels like she’s a pinball being knocked all over the place. It would be nice to see her switching to a more active role in deciding her own fate.
RobinRone:  Even in summary, this was a very strong story. Your themes were clear, and the ways you chose to dramatize them were effective and interesting. It felt very complete and connected, developing Kara in emotionally reasonable ways as the pendulum of action/reaction drove her from one extreme behavior to another. Would have loved to see more!
SaintKhan:  I would have really loved to see this entry full realized. You did a great job growing Kara by having her overcorrect for her previous blind faith by having her blindly reject the gods, leading her to trust the worst man possible. This creates some excellent drama that drives the summary quite well. Ilyas has also placed his faith poorly, bargaining with Hecate for what he wants. I like how this parallel connects Kara and Ilyas.
If there is a weakness in this tale, I think it lies in your characterization of Ilyas. While he is a violent, unpredictable man, his bargain with Hecate seemed a bit out of character, as it implies a long-term plan or skill at manipulation that he simply hasn't shown up until this point. Further, what he gets out of the bargain with Hecate is never really made clear.
This was a minor misstep, however, and I think I would have really enjoyed this entry if it had been complete.
Topios:  It seems like you had a solid story planned with a really good development of Kara. I liked how her mistrust of gods backlashes and drives her to trust Ilyas blindly, that felt like a natural reaction and it creates a good sense of potential suspense. Ilyas on the other hand seemed slightly off, more manipulative than acting on his feelings, which doesn’t fit with the portrayal we’ve seen of him so far. It’s hard to tell based on a summary, but showing his anger might make Hecate stealing it more poignant. Kara praying to Odin may also be a bit too much of a whiplash back to blind faith depending on how you would have handled it. It’s a shame you couldn’t get the entry finished as I think it would have ironed out a good deal of the issues I have with it.

COMMENTS FOR ILYAS & SKULLCAT
BagnaTheSupervillan:  Although a lot happened to Ilyas during this round, but he felt largely inactive for the majority of the round, and he only really did anything when it was the only course of action available to him. I feel like Ilyas' ongoing adventures would generally be more interesting if he spent more time making some effort to get what he wants. Since Ilyas seems to be actively resisting having some sort of motivation, the things that he wants could be as simple as not getting tortured again, but giving him more definite goals or reasons for character development would make him more interesting. Kara's character arc during this entry was fun, and it was neat to see her question the way things operate in Hades. The way she observed different gods and altered her opinions on them according to how they acted was both interesting on a character level and a good comparison of how the different pantheons tend to work. However, her thoughts about the morality of the torture fields didn't really last long enough to feel really significant. The writing in your entries is still very solid, but the characters don't seem very engaged in the plot or the themes you're exploring. Seeing characters make more choices would make future entries more interesting.
Lithicbee:  This was an interesting entry, drawing together two characters who both want nothing to do with the gods. I think Kara got the short end of the stick in terms of story development; she ends up in the same state of mind as she began. I did like that you explored Ilyas and Skullcat’s relationship more, and that Ilyas is no longer getting away with his behavior scot-free (i.e, he’s tortured, Helen returns). Your arc with Ilyas seems pretty solid, so I would only recommend that you focus similar attention on your opponent’s character should you advance to the next round. Side note: I thought the inclusion of the other contestants was well done. It was nice to see them again but they each added something to and did not overwhelm the story.
RobinRone:  Ilyas is starting to crack, and I'm not sure which direction he's going to crumble. This does make for some intriguing character development, but in this entry it seemed unfocused and aimless in execution. I also felt Kara was poorly integrated, acting more as an observer than a participant. It seemed that every opportunity that might have been used to include her was instead given to another character. Aisling and the Rookie both played parts that, with a little creativity, Kara might have been able to act just as well in. Instead, she is distant and largely uninvolved. Try to think of creative ways to weave your opponent into your own OC's plot!
SaintKhan:  Once again, you've created a vivid, intense entry that doesn't shy away from ugliness.
However, I felt that Kara and Ilyas were very disconnected from each other in this entry. Not only do they only share a single scene at the very end of the entry, but I also felt that they didn't connect via the theme particularly well. While both of them struggled with the question of what sinners deserve, Kara seemed to only contemplate this question on an academic level, as she never had to choose if she would help torment the souls in Tartarus before the revolution took place. While quite a few scenes address the topic in conversation (Aisling's cameo, the rookie's tour) I can't help but feel that this entry might have been stronger if you had skipped past these scenes directly to Kara's struggle over how to treat a captive Ilyas.
However, I know that probably isn't what you had in mind for this round. My advice is to make certain that each character connects strongly with the theme, particularly if they don't share a lot of scenes together. Having them together more often lessens the need for this connection, but it never disappears, so make sure it's done on at least some level.
Topios:  
Even in a summary form your entry is engaging and you manage to keep Ilyas interesting. The use of previous contestants was well incorporated and I liked the hints made to big events from other entries, namely Arya and the rebellion. That was a nice touch. That said I felt like Kara got a bit lost, only moving in the fringes of your entry so to speak. If we’d spent more time with her and seeing her be more directly involved in the question of what sinners deserve then the entry might have felt more balanced. It was not a bad story, but I believe you can do better with a bit of effort.